


can i be him?

by kyungsjeong



Category: History (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 15:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyungsjeong/pseuds/kyungsjeong
Summary: "So, what are you, kid?" Kyungil asks and Yijeong looks back up at him. "Huh?" he replies dumbly. "How did you get cast here?""Oh. Oh, I sing. I'm a singer."(AU where KI and YJ are idol trainees at the same company but they don't end up in History)





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: PG/PG13
> 
> Fandom: History
> 
> Pairing: Kyungjeong
> 
> Warnings: my writing style, run-on sentences, abuse of commas, a record company of my own creation not meant to resemble any company irl so i could actually progress this plot, some angst as i spent too much time in yj's head because i cannot help myself, ki's character can be a little erratic, this has so many words already but i still have no idea what i'm writing, i really hope someone still has an interest in reading about these two because i only ever feel inspired to write about them

When he sees him for the first time, his first thought is,  _Holy shit._  Yijeong has never experienced a moment quite like this one. He bows nervously as he is introduced to the  ~~beautiful~~  sweaty man who had been practicing in front of the mirror. The man—Song Kyungil, according to his new manager— smiles politely at him as he bows in return and Yijeong thinks it again.  _Holy shit._

“This is the newest recruit,” the manager says, gesturing to Yijeong, “take care of him.” Kyungil agrees immediately and Yijeong looks down at his shoes. “Good luck,” his manager tells him, patting him on the shoulder before leaving the practice room to return to his work.

“So, what are you, kid?” Kyungil asks and Yijeong looks back up at him. “Huh?” he replies dumbly. “How did you get cast here?”

“Oh. Oh, I sing. I’m a singer.” Kyungil looks him up and down quickly and it makes him more than a little nervous. “Then what did they send you down here for? The vocal coaches are on the next floor up.”

“I’m a singer, not a dancer. I guess they want me to be both?” He feels stupid, like he must be explaining this too simply, but his brain still isn’t operating at full capacity because Kyungil keeps running his hand through his slightly sweaty hair and looking at him curiously. “I think they thought you could help me. I don’t have much experience. In dancing.” Yijeong fights the urge to roll his eyes at the unnecessary clarification as soon as it leaves his mouth and Kyungil smirks unnervingly. “Well, okay. If they think I can help. But only if you promise to practice dancing twice as hard as you do singing. Actually, make that three times as hard. Deal?” He sticks out his hand to Yijeong, who takes a breath before stretching his own hand out in return. “Deal,” he says softly as he shakes Kyungil’s hand, avoiding his eyes. “Let’s get started then?” Kyungil pulls his hand back and walks over to the stereo to select a song.

“I’ll teach you the first routine I ever choreographed. I’ll show you first and then walk you through it. Just follow me. Do you think you can you handle that?” Yijeong nods and takes a spot in front of the mirror. Kyungil starts the song and demonstrates the routine next to him. Yijeong tries to pay attention to the moves so that he can try to recreate them but eventually, he gets caught up in Kyungil’s fluid movements. Before he knows it, the song ends and Kyungil stops dancing. “Wow,” he breathes, clapping enthusiastically for a few seconds. “I think I know why they assigned you to teach me.”

“It’s a pretty simple routine,” he replies, but Yijeong shakes his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be half as good at this as you are.”

“You will be when I’m done with you,” Kyungil assures him and Yijeong’s heart rate quickens. “We’ll take it slow. One move at a time.” Yijeong swallows hard, staring at his own reflection in the mirror. “I’ll do my best,” he mutters, faking confidence poorly. “I’m sure you will. Now, follow after me.”

Yijeong spends the next hour trying as hard as he can to follow Kyungil’s dance moves and remember the choreography, but it’s even harder than he’d expected and all of his movements look too sharp compared to Kyungil’s beautiful, fluid ones. Kyungil glances at the clock on the wall and claps his hands together. “Alright, I think that’s all the time we have for today. I have my own lessons to get to, you know.” Yijeong bows quickly. “Right, of course. Thank you for your help.”

“When’s your next class?” Kyungil asks him as he walks across the room to get a drink. “About half an hour.” Kyungil returns and hands Yijeong a water bottle. “Then, take a quick break and keep practicing. I’ll pull up the video so you can review the parts you’ve forgotten.” Yijeong sits down on the floor and opens his water bottle. Kyungil leaves for a moment and returns with a tablet. “Take this and practice, okay? Don’t just sit here until your next class.” He sets the tablet down next to Yijeong and Yijeong looks up at him. “I’ll practice. You should know, I’m a very hard worker.” A little too hardworking, if you ask his friends, but if sleeping less means finding success and reaching his goals, then Yijeong’s planning on finding out just how little sleep a human being can survive on.

“I guess I’ll find out when you show me your progress tomorrow. Same time?” Yijeong nods. “Same time.” Kyungil smiles briefly before he leaves the room and Yijeong takes another sip of water before turning his attention to the video of Kyungil dancing on the tablet.

He’d like to say that he didn’t watch the video any more than necessary. He’d like to say that he only sent the video to his own phone so that he could practice on his own later, but that would be a lie and he tries not to lie to himself. The truth is that he’ll probably have this dance burned into his brain by the time he leaves the company tonight. The truth is that he thinks this video might remind him why he’s here away from his family and his friends and his fairly normal sleep schedule chasing his dreams. The truth is that he thinks  ~~someone~~  something this beautiful should be appreciated more than once or twice.

(The truth is that he’s already totally screwed.)

It’s after 10 o’clock when Yijeong’s manager comes to get him from one of the practice rooms and tells him it’s time to go to the dorm. He’s nervous about living with a bunch of strangers but when they arrive, he finds a familiar face.

“Are you staying in this dorm too?” Yijeong asks and Kyungil smiles. “Of course, this is where they put all of the most promising trainees,” he jokes. “I can show you to your room.” Yijeong carries his bag down the hallway and follows Kyungil to his room. It’s small, consisting of a set of bunkbeds, a narrow closet and not much else. “The top bunk’s taken, you’ll have to use the bottom one,” Kyungil tells him as he sets his things down. “You probably won’t see much of your roommate, though. He hardly leaves the practice rooms these days, he must think he’s on the cusp of a breakthrough or something.”

“Why are you back here so early?” Yijeong asks plainly. “Didn’t you see me dance earlier? Did it seem like I need to live in front of those mirrors?” Yijeong corrects himself quickly. “That’s not what I meant, I was just wondering.”

“I work just as hard as everyone else here, but I also know the benefits of a break. I’ve been training since before you and the other kids here even thought of dreaming of something like this.” Yijeong stands up and bows respectfully. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’ll watch what I say in the future.” Kyungil eyes him for a moment before relaxing. “I shouldn’t snap at you. You just got here, you must have lots of questions. Get some rest, you’re going to need it tomorrow.” Yijeong nods.

“The bathroom is at the end of the hall, but there’s a five minute limit on showers so remember that. If you have other questions, my room is right across the hall. The manager’s room is next to the bathroom. There is a van to take us to the company, but only if you’re inside before 6:30am. Otherwise, you have to find your own way there.” Kyungil walks to the doorway and pauses for a moment. “Good night, Yijeong,” he says. “Good night,” Yijeong responds as Kyungil closes the door behind him.

After unpacking and brushing his teeth, Yijeong goes to bed at a reasonable time. He doesn’t fall asleep right away, choosing instead to distract himself from his nervousness by watching Kyungil’s choreography again, and again, and again until he finally falls asleep.

Yijeong is on his third cup of coffee by the time he arrives at the dance practice room the next day. Kyungil is already there, working up a sweat with a couple other trainees. Yijeong sits down against the wall and watches them finish up the rest of their practice. Their skills are impressive and Yijeong doubts he’ll ever come close to their level, even with all of the practice in the world. He suddenly wonders if they can all sing too.

The trainees finish their practice with high-fives before they notice him sitting near the door. They greet him briefly before moving on to their next classes. Yijeong stands up and Kyungil dries his hair with a towel roughly. “Good morning,” Yijeong greets him, handing him a water bottle. “Show me how far you got after I left,” he says curtly. “Oh. Okay.” Yijeong takes a spot in front of the mirror and Kyungil cues up the song. Yijeong takes a deep breath before attempting to imitate the choreography. He manages to remember most of the moves, but he knows they look nothing like the way they’re supposed to. The song ends and he puts his head down in defeat. Kyungil nods thoughtfully and steps closer to him.

“Not horrible. You’ve memorized most of it, but... your technique could use some work.” Probably because I don’t have any technique, Yijeong thinks. “Like the second move, do that one again.” Yijeong follows his instructions, attempt to move his legs and left arm the way he’d seen Kyungil do dozens of times in the video, but it hardly even looks like the same move in the mirror. He’s worried that Kyungil will snap at him, accuse him of not being serious enough, of not working hard enough. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d been snapped at by a dance instructor. Kyungil steps in between Yijeong and the mirror, facing him, and for a second Yijeong thinks he might be the type of teacher who uses physical violence for emphasis. He actually flinches when Kyungil puts a hand on his arm to demonstrate the move and Kyungil lets him go. “Sorry?” Kyungil says like he’s not sure if he should feel apologetic or not. “Sorry,” Yijeong mutters, feeling embarrassed at his overreaction, “go ahead.”

“Your moves are way too choppy for a routine like this. Each movement needs to connect to the next seamlessly. Like this...” Kyungil holds onto Yijeong’s arm and tries to help him, but Yijeong is distracted and trying to regain his focus. He was sure he was about to get hit and now he’s not sure what’s happening. “Okay,” Kyungil says as he releases Yijeong’s arm, “now show me again.”

Yijeong repeats the move to the best of his ability, staring himself down in the mirror and willing his body to cooperate. “Better,” Kyungil says, tapping the outside of Yijeong’s thigh, “turn your leg out a little more. Go again.” Kyungil watches thoughtfully as Yijeong continues to follow his instructions. “It’s getting there, kid, but you’ve got to loosen up. It’ll never look right if you keep tensing up your muscles.”

“I’ll work harder,” Yijeong says reflexively and Kyungil turns the music back on. “Let’s move on to the next moves.”

Dance practice continues for the next hour as Kyungil corrects Yijeong’s form and helps him memorize the rest of the moves. Yijeong’s muscles are sore and he collapses on the floor with his water bottle in hand at the first chance to do so without getting in trouble. Kyungil tosses him a towel and sits down next to him.

“So, what’s your story?” he asks. “My story?” Yijeong asks, still breathing a little too hard. “Yeah, your story. Every trainee’s got one.” Kyungil takes a swig of water and sets the bottle back down. “I trained for a year at another company before I ended up here. That company didn’t put so much emphasis on dancing, so... that’s why I still suck at it.”

“Why did you leave?” Kyungil asks, and Yijeong thinks he seems genuinely curious. “Too many debuts while I was there, I figured I’d never debut unless I tried a different company. I passed the audition here and... that’s the whole story.” Yijeong dries his face with the towel, annoyed to find that he’s still sweating. “Can I ask what your story is?”

“Three companies, nine years, two failed debuts. Thousands of hours of dance and singing practice. Now, apparently, they think of me more like a teacher than a trainee here so maybe it’s time to find a new place. Or... quit.” Kyungil’s voice sounds unaffected, like he’s not telling his own story, but Yijeong feels bad for him and even worse for feeling like his own story was kind of depressing. “You’re an amazing dancer, though,” he says without thinking and looks away in embarrassment. “I guess that’s not the only thing they’re looking for.” Yijeong nods slowly. “So, if you’ve been training for a year, you’re... 16, 17?”

“20, actually. I got a late start. You?” Kyungil stands up and runs his hands through his hair. “26. Are you really 20? You don’t exactly... look it.” Yijeong stands up, his muscles aching in protest. “I get that a lot.”

“Well, I’ve got vocal training upstairs so keep practicing until your next lesson. And loosen up, seriously.” Kyungil smiles before leaving the room and Yijeong sits back down on the floor. It’s not my fault I can’t relax when you’re around, Yijeong complains internally. Why couldn’t they find me an average-looking teacher?

Yijeong continues to practice diligently even when he’s alone, determined to impress Kyungil with his dedication. Over the past 9 years, Yijeong’s sure that Kyungil had seen lots of trainees come and go because they couldn’t make the cut or underestimated the effort required to debut and he’s intent on showing Kyungil everyone that he’s not one of those trainees, that he’s serious about all of this.

When he finally gets back to the dorm at nearly midnight, he’s exhausted and hardly changes out of his clothes before he passes out, not even hearing when his roommate comes in around 2am.

히스토리

After practicing with Kyungil for a couple of weeks, he tells Yijeong, “You should come and work out with me at the gym. I think it would help with your coordination.” Yijeong sighs. “Are you saying I’m out of shape?” Kyungil stretches his arms casually. “Nah, I just think it might help. It’s not a company requirement. You can just keep practicing here all day if you want.”

“No, if you think it would help... I’ll do anything.”

So, that’s how Yijeong ends up on a bus with Kyungil, headed to the gym.

When they walk in, Kyungil is immediately in his element, trading greetings with the employees and fellow patrons of the gym that he has no doubt been frequenting for years. Yijeong, on the other hand, feels like a fish out of water, or a tiny sardine in a sea of sharks. He feels uncomfortable and regretful that he didn’t turn down Kyungil’s advice.

“Where do you want to start?” Kyungil asks him and he shrugs nervously. “Stretching?” he suggests and Kyungil laughs heartily. “I meant after that, but sure. It’s a good start.”

“If you hadn’t noticed, this isn’t really my thing. Aside from like... things I did in P.E. class... I don’t know much.” Kyungil grins. “I’ll just have to teach you that too, I guess.”

After stretching for a few minutes, they move on to treadmills. To warm up, or something. Kyungil works up to a run rather quickly, while Yijeong eventually starts to jog. He’s tired after fifteen minutes as they’d already spent time practicing dance earlier, but Kyungil keeps moving him to more intensive steps, making him do push-ups and other exercises that were certainly designed by the Devil himself.

Yijeong’s feeling ready to pass out by the time they get to the next step: sit-ups. He’s exhausted and distracted by Kyungil looking directly at him as he attempts to sit up, again and again and again. He feels sick from the exertion and dizzy from the eye contact, and eventually he doesn’t sit back up, he stays down on the ground and closes his eyes.

“I need to stop,” he pants, “I feel sick.” He’s not sure what Kyungil’s reaction will be, but soon he feels him lay down next to him on the mat. “Breaks are important too,” he says. “Do you really... find this fun?” Kyungil chuckles. “Not at first. Now it’s like I’m addicted or something.”

“Well, it’s obviously working,” Yijeong says without thinking. “Oh yeah? You think so?” Kyungil teases him and Yijeong starts to think of a way to defend himself, but he still feels too sick so he doesn’t protest. “Don’t pretend you don’t know. Everyone knows. It’s obvious.”

“Wanna spot me while I lift weights?” Kyungil asks after a moment of silence. Yijeong opens his eyes slowly. “That sounds like a lot more fun than this.” Kyungil stands quickly and holds out a hand to him. Yijeong accepts after a couple of seconds and lets Kyungil carefully help him to his feet.

He still feels kind of sick from working out but the nausea mixes with an almost pleasant fluttery feeling as he watches Kyungil lift weights from above and decides that the gym might not be the worst place after all.

After following Kyungil around and ‘helping’ for an hour or so, they both stretch for a few minutes to finish the workout before Kyungil says, “I’m gonna rinse off and then we can head out. Do you want to grab a shower too?” Yijeong feels his face turning red at the thought. Sure, people shower together at the dorm sometimes, but he’d never done it with Kyungil. Both because he’d never had the opportunity and because it just seemed... different. “No, I didn’t really sweat much,” he replies, “I’ll just change and wait for you.” Kyungil turns toward the locker room and Yijeong feels like an idiot for getting flustered at the thought of his fellow trainee/dance teacher naked.  _It’s ‘cause he’s inhumanly attractive,_  he tells himself.  _Anyone would be flustered by someone like him._

It's not a lie, but he's not thinking it as just 'anyone' either. Or maybe he’s just flattering himself by thinking he’s different.

Either way, he still feels guilty.

Fifteen minutes later, Yijeong follows Kyungil out of the gym and into the chicken restaurant down the street. “Do you usually eat fried food after working out?” Yijeong asks as they slide into opposite booths to wait for their order. “No, of course not. This is just because I feel like a dick.” Yijeong raises his eyebrows in confusion. “What? Why?”

“I got carried away earlier. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard after practice.” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry for being so weak. I’m even too scrawny for dancing but you still have to teach me anyway. I’ll work harder.” Kyungil shrugs casually. “Being scrawny isn’t such a bad thing. It works for you.” Yijeong starts to ask what he means by that but Kyungil continues quickly, “I mean, you’re still young. And it’s not a bad thing. For dancing, I mean. Sometimes I make routines look too powerful for the music.”

“I’ve never noticed that. Your dancing is always... perfect.” Kyungil waves off the compliment. “No, I’ve just learned what I can make look good and what I can’t.” Yijeong thinks he’s been too humble, but he should probably take a break from excessively complimenting Kyungil for a while. “If you say so,” he concedes before smirking. “So, do you moonlight as a personal trainer or something? Or is that your real dream and being in a band is just a backup plan?” Kyungil chuckles lightly. “I always go to the gym alone. I think I was excited to have a friend with me. Too excited, I’m sorry.”

Yijeong might feel a little annoyed with him for borderline torturing him earlier if it weren’t for the fact that his brain is stuck on this being the first time Kyungil’s ever referred to him as his friend. Normally, he just resorted to calling him ‘kid’ or ‘newbie’, or something else to keep him in his place. To keep him from confusing Kyungil’s concern with his training for something different. Something... more.

“I had fun, though. Although the eating chicken part is more exciting...” Yijeong smiles softly as he continues. “Thank you for helping me.” Their number is called and Kyungil gets up to grab the tray and brings it back to the table. Yijeong mutters a quick, “Thank you,” before digging in.

They don’t talk much as they’re both busy stuffing their faces. Yijeong hasn’t been this hungry in a while and he hardly stops eating to breathe or take a sip of his soda. He doesn’t slow down until his stomach starts to hurt again.

Kyungil leans back in the booth and watches Yijeong as he eats much too quickly. Eventually, he starts to feel self-conscious and stops eating, sitting up straight and resting his hands in his lap. “You finished?” Yijeong nods. “Yeah, I’m done.”

“You sure? You seemed like you’ve been starving for weeks.” Yijeong feels a little embarrassed, looking down at the table. “Thank you for buying me food,” he says, skirting the issue. “Do you want to walk back to the dorms instead of taking the bus? It’s not far unless you’re still feeling sick.” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, that sounds great.”

Maybe it sounded a little too great because he starts to feel nauseous and fluttery again as they walk down the street quietly. “Are you sure you’re feeling better?” Yijeong can’t really believe he’s still concerned about him, that he still feels guilty for pushing him too hard. “I’m fine, please stop asking. It’s embarrassing.”

“Then what would you rather talk about?” Kyungil asks, not slowing his pace at all. “I don’t know, do you have a favorite movie?” He shrugs. “I watch a lot of movies when I have free time, but I don’t think I can pick a favorite. I like a lot of foreign movies though.” Yijeong nods. “Me too. Action movies, mostly.”

“We should go to a movie sometime then.” Yijeong swallows hard and tries not misunderstand the intention behind those words. “That would be fun,” he says, trying not to sound affected. “Probably more fun than the gym.” Yijeong chuckles sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry.” They continue to walk to the dorm at a comfortable pace. It takes about twenty minutes before they can see the dorm building across the street from them.

“I hope I didn’t turn you off of the gym forever,” Kyungil says. “Not forever. But definitely for today.” He laughs and Yijeong smiles shyly as the near the door to their housing. “Well, let me know if you ever feel like trying again. I work out four times a week.”

“I’ll let you know,” Yijeong tells him softly as they walk into the dorm.


	2. two

One Friday afternoon, after hours and hours and hours of hard work, Yijeong demonstrates the whole choreography that he’s been learning from Kyungil since he started at this new company and nails it. He knows he nails it because Kyungil applauds enthusiastically and smiles at him. “That was perfect!” he exclaims and Yijeong lowers his head, feeling shy. “Don’t exaggerate,” he mumbles. “I’m not. Really. I don’t have anything to tell you to work on. That was great.” Kyungil steps closer to him and places a hand on his shoulder. “Do you know what happens now?” 

“Not really,” Yijeong says, his heartbeat quickening at Kyungil’s proximity, even though he should be used to it by now. “Now, we have to celebrate.” 

They end up at a BBQ restaurant after they finish their training for the day and Kyungil orders way too much food and even more beer and soju. When their order begins to arrive, Yijeong can't believe how much there is and the idea that Kyungil can afford it all is even more surprising. "I'm not being ungrateful, but isn't this a little much? It's just one routine, it doesn't really mean anything." 

"I'm rewarding myself too, remember? It wasn't exactly easy teaching you, you know," he reminds him and he seems like he's only half joking, so Yijeong nods. Kyungil starts grilling some of the meat he'd ordered and Yijeong pours him a drink. Kyungil eats like he's been starved for days, but Yijeong eats a little too slowly and drinks a little too quickly as they talk about groups that have debuted recently and foreign songs that they like and cartoons they liked when they were young. It’s probably the most they’ve talked since they met and Yijeong feels like he must have done something right if Kyungil trusts him enough to reveal personal information. 

Yijeong doesn't really notice until it's time to stand up from the table and return to the dorm, but he's unsteady on his feet and he can feel his face turning red. 

“Are you drunk?” Kyungil asks, standing up and putting a hand on Yijeong's arm. “No,” he lies, “just a little dizzy.” Kyungil shakes his head slowly. “You should learn how to pace yourself, kid.” Yijeong turns away from him, annoyed at his condescending tone and at himself for getting tipsy so easily. “I can take care of myself.” 

“Yeah, okay, whatever you say. Let's go home.” Kyungil grabs his jacket off the back of his chair and follows Yijeong out of the restaurant onto the sidewalk. Yijeong walks confidently in the wrong direction and Kyungil has to grab him and spin him in the direction of the dorm. “Your sense of direction sucks,” he tells him, chuckling a little. “Shut up, I haven't been here long enough to know where I'm going.” 

“Keep walking 'cause I'm not carrying you like some drama, okay? I don't do that shit.” Yijeong continues to walk down the sidewalk, stumbling a little but managing to stay upright. “Really? You looked like you walked straight out of a drama,” Yijeong points out and Kyungil shakes his head. “You're no damsel in distress. You've got two legs, use 'em.” 

“Are you drunk?” he asks and Kyungil scoffs at him. “No, I'm just exhausted from trying to teach you how to dance.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and says, “Are you sure that’s the only reason why—“ 

He trips on a step up in the cement sidewalk and starts to fall, but Kyungil catches him before he can hit the ground, releasing him as soon as he regains his balance. "I thought you didn’t do drama shit?" Yijeong says, pointing out the absurdity of the moment, feeling quite dizzy as he looks over at Kyungil. “If you get hurt, the company will blame me. Be careful.” 

“Yes, sir,” Yijeong says sarcastically as he continues to stumble to the bus stop. When they arrive, they sit down to wait and Yijeong slumps over slightly against Kyungil’s arm. “Don’t pass out, I’m not dragging your ass back to the dorm.” When Yijeong doesn’t respond, he adds, “I mean it, kid, I will leave you at this bus stop and I won’t feel bad about it at...” 

“Thank you,” Yijeong says, closing his eyes gently. Kyungil sighs, obviously frustrated. “For what?” he asks gruffly. “For teaching me and not yelling at me when I screw up the routines. And for taking care of me.” He feels relaxed and he’s suddenly thinking of all sorts of things that Kyungil might not know. Like how thankful he is. And how much he likes him. Lots of things that he knows he should probably keep inside, it just seems a lot easier to let them out right now. 

Kyungil looks at him for a moment before saying, “You’re really drunk, aren’t you...” Yijeong shrugs, his jacket making a scratching sound against Kyungil’s sleeve. “I wanted to say it when I was sober too, I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.” Kyungil doesn’t say anything else, but Yijeong wasn’t really expecting him to. 

After a long bus ride, they finally make it back to the dorm and Kyungil shushes him before he opens the door and they sneak in. It's not too late, some of the trainees aren't even back from practice, but there's always someone watching and you can't be too careful. Somehow, Yijeong seems even tipsier than when they'd left the restaurant and Kyungil has to hold onto him and guide him into his room. Yijeong's roommate is still at practice, so Kyungil doesn't have to worry about disturbing him as he maneuvers Yijeong onto the bottom bunk. 

“I'm gonna get you some water, don't go anywhere,” Kyungil says as he leaves the room and Yijeong stares up at the bottom of the top bunk. He’s still aware enough to know he's being obnoxious and he doesn't want Kyungil to hate him, so he follows his directions and waits for him to return. A minute passes before he returns with a water bottle and hands it to him. “Drink this. You should’ve have told me you were a lightweight.” 

“I’m not,” Yijeong whines, trying to open the water bottle and failing. Kyungil takes it from him roughly, opens it, and hands it back to him. “Okay, okay. Drink.” Yijeong drinks slowly and Kyungil kneels down on the floor to wait for him to finish. “Don’t drink too fast,” he chides him. “Make up your mind,” Yijeong grumbles as he tries to put the cap back on the water bottle. 

“I’m never taking you out for drinks again,” Kyungil says and Yijeong drops his shoulders in disappointment. “Don’t give up on me so fast, I want to go out with you again. I’ll be less annoying next time, I promise.” Kyungil watches him for a moment as he takes another drink from his water bottle. “I just meant no alcohol next time. I’ll still take you out to celebrate.” 

“Really?” Yijeong says excitedly. “Sure, but you have to master two routines next time.” Yijeong grins, looking back up at him. “It’s a date.” He shakes his head. “I mean, it’s a deal.” His face feels hot and his head is swimming so he lays down on his side and sets down his water bottle on the floor. Kyungil smirks slightly as he stands up and ruffles Yijeong’s hair roughly. “Sleep it off, you have practice tomorrow afternoon.” Kyungil walks toward the door and Yijeong rolls over into his back. 

“Why do I always fall for people who don’t like me?” he wonders, his barely audible, just before Kyungil walks out the door. He thinks he sees Kyungil stop in the doorway for a moment between the rails of the bunk bed before closing the door behind him, but he’s not sure because the room is spinning a little and he’s feeling sleepy. He rolls over onto his other side and decides that he’ll wait to decide if he’s done anything he should regret until morning.

히스토리

He wakes up with a headache and a fuzzy memory. He remembers being at the restaurant and walking to the bus stop with Kyungil and then it’s just... blurry. He hopes he didn’t make a complete fool of himself but he’s not optimistic. 

An hour after he wakes up, he gets into the company van and finds Kyungil already sitting in the back. He greets him shyly and takes the seat next to him in the back row. “Feeling okay?” Kyungil asks. “Not great,” he responds. “You seemed pretty out of it.” 

“I don’t even remember getting home,” he confesses. “I’m sorry for being such a bother.” Kyungil sighs. “I was just worried we’d get busted, but the managers were still out so...” Yijeong feels relieved and starts to check his phone when Kyungil says, “So you really don’t remember?” His stomach immediately ties up in knots because no, he really doesn’t. “Did I do something wrong?” Kyungil looks at him for a moment and Yijeong shrinks down in his seat. “No. But I told you I’m never taking you out for drinks again. I mean, I thought you were annoying sober, but...” 

“It was that bad?” Yijeong asks, feeling embarrassed. “You just seem to have a drunk habit of saying everything that pops into your head. It’s obnoxious.” He apologizes quickly, uneasiness rising back up in his insides. “I’m sorry for being so annoying.” Kyungil looks at him for a little too long and Yijeong turns away to look out the windshield. “I mean, you weren’t completely annoying. You were actually kind of cute, until you threw up on my shoes.” Yijeong gasps. “Did I really...? I’m so sorry! I’ll buy you new ones—“ 

“I’m joking. You didn’t ruin my shoes.” Yijeong lets out a soft sigh of relief. “You’re mean,” he pouts, crossing his arms. “You didn’t do anything you need to apologize for, so don’t worry.” Something about Kyungil’s voice makes him feel like he’s not getting the whole truth, but if he says there’s nothing to apologize for, then he’ll trust him. 

By the time dance practice rolls around, Kyungil seems quite distracted as he critiques Yijeong’s form and teaches him part of a rather difficult choreography. “Hyung, are you hungover?” he asks as soon as they stop to take a break. “No, why?” 

“You seem... like you’re not all here. Is something wrong?” Kyungil looks at him directly for a moment, as if deciding whether or not to give an honest answer, before he shrugs and tosses his empty water bottle to the floor. “Tired. Run through that part again, I’m gonna sit down for a minute.” Yijeong quickly wipes the sweat off his forehead with a towel before tossing it back down on a chair. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” he asks one more time and Kyungil nods quickly. “Run through it again.” 

Yijeong knows something’s wrong, something’s bothering him but he still hasn’t figured out the best way to get information out of him yet, so he turns the music back on and tries his best to remember the whole choreography. 

When he finishes, Kyungil’s expression is blank for a moment before he shakes his head quickly and says, “I think that’s good enough for today. I’m gonna head to my next class.” Kyungil picks up his towel and water bottle before motioning toward Yijeong lazily. "Keep practicing, I'll see you for practice tomorrow." And then he's gone. 

The bad feeling Yijeong's had all day keeps growing, but he really can't remember anything after collapsing on his bed when Kyungil brought him home. He figures he must have passed out and he feels like an idiot for getting so tipsy. It's not like it was his first time drinking, but he guesses he got a little wrapped up in the moment and now he's paying the price. 

히스토리

Kyungil never shows up to dance practice the next day. Yijeong sits on the floor and waits for fifteen minutes before someone comes in to tell him that he wouldn’t be coming and to practice on his own. “Is he sick or something?” he asks the manager, but he doesn’t get any response other than a shrug before he walks out. He practices for a while, running through choreography he knows well enough to do in his sleep before it’s time for his next lesson. 

He tries not to worry about Kyungil and just focus on his training, but something seems off and he’s worried something might be seriously wrong. Kyungil doesn’t take the van back to the dorm and Yijeong starts to grow even more concerned. 

Once he gets back to the dorm, he opens his door and is startled when he finds Kyungil sitting on the floor, leaning up again his bed. "I didn't mean to startle you," he says, not even looking up at Yijeong. "Is something wrong?" he asks tentatively. "You're going to have this room to yourself now. So I guess nothing's wrong." Yijeong sits down next to him, making sure he's not getting too close. He's known Kyungil for three months now, but he's still too unpredictable for comfort. "Did he leave the company?" Yijeong never really got to know his roommate, but he'd never asked Kyungil if they were friends either.  _ Maybe he's upset that his friend is moving on?  _ Yijeong guesses incorrectly. "He's debuting." 

Oh. "I'm guessing you're... not?" Yijeong asks softly. "Of course I'm not. That's the way it always goes." Kyungil picks invisible debris off his jeans and Yijeong feels unsure of the right thing to say. "Next time," Yijeong tells him. "It'll be different next time." Kyungil turns to face him abruptly, anger bubbling up and changing his expression. "What do you know? You've only been training for a year!" Yijeong turns away from him, knowing he's said the wrong thing. Again. Kyungil sighs and pushes the palms of his hands against his eyes in frustration. "I'm sorry," Yijeong whispers. "Don't be. It's stupid to lash out at you. It's not like it's your fault." Yijeong shakes his head. "I took too much of your time, you were so patient teaching me and taking me out to eat when you should have been focusing on your own training. I should have learned faster—" 

"Just stop!" Kyungil interrupts harshly. "It's been nine years for me, remember? All the training in the world isn't going to be enough if I don't have what they're looking for! I don't even know what that is anymore, but it's obviously not me. Maybe they're looking for people like you now, I don't even know!" Saying Kyungil's words don't have any effect would be a lie, but Yijeong tries not to let them get to him even if they do sting a little bit. It's not like it's the first time Kyungil's said something he'd later regret in the heat of the moment. He feels like it's a safe assumption that it won't be the last. "I don't mean that the way it sounded," he adds after a moment. "I mean... I'm getting too old for this shit. Maybe they're looking for fresh faces, not people on the cusp of being middle-aged." 

"You're not middle-aged," Yijeong chuckles. "And I don't think they cast me because of my face." Kyungil shrugs. "The reason doesn't really matter, it's just... they're looking for a spark, for something special. Maybe I just don't have that anymore. Or I never did. Whatever." Yijeong knows he shouldn't say it, but the words leave his mouth before he can stop them. “So you think I have something special?" The look on Kyungil's face fills him with regret and he's about to take his words back when Kyungil mutters, "Yeah, I think you do." 

"How can you tell?" Yijeong asks, digging himself an even deeper hole to fall into. "I mean, I knew you had something the first time I saw you. They wouldn't have cast you if you were totally ordinary." Kyungil leans back against the bed, sliding down a little and looking up at the ceiling. "But... I heard you singing once when I was taking a break. I think it was a song you wrote yourself because I didn't recognize it. Either way... that's when I figured out why they wanted you. Anyone who doesn't want you is a moron." 

There is an unfamiliar feeling bubbling up in Yijeong's chest and he doesn't quite know what to call it, but he can't just keep it inside either. Not this time. "When I saw you dance for the first time, I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen," he confesses suddenly. "I thought, if you were the kind of trainee they were looking for, I'd never have a chance." Kyungil looks shocked at the sudden oversharing, but Yijeong thinks he couldn't possibly be surprised at what he'd said. He knows he's beautiful. There's no way he doesn't. "So maybe you're not what they're looking for, but I think they're wrong." 

"Do you really mean that?" he asks, his eyes a little too desperate as they search Yijeong's. "I wouldn't lie to you," Yijeong replies, his heartbeat quickening slightly as they enter an unexplored level of openness. He notices how close they're sitting to each other and decides he should probably move away before saying something else he'll definitely regret, but something about the look in Kyungil's eyes keeps him holding still. Before he can say anything else, Kyungil's moving closer and his brain starts shutting down as Kyungil cups his cheek with his hand. Yijeong's eyes flutter shut and he hopes with all his might that he's not misreading this, that it isn't some kind of joke, that he doesn't look like an idiot right now. In all honesty, he’s just playing along and waiting to hear someone yell, “Hidden camera!”, but no one ever does.

A few seconds pass before he feels Kyungil's lips against his own and his thoughts grind to a halt as he focuses all of his attention on kissing him back and savoring the moment and not doing anything to cause this to stop because that sounds like the actual worst thing ever right now. He doesn't think about the fact that the dorm is definitely not empty, that anyone could walk in at any time, that this could most definitely get him kicked out of the company and ruin all of his plans. For once, he just lets himself act based on the way he feels, and right now he feels like he never wants this moment to stop. 

However, like all good things, it all comes to an end far too soon and Kyungil pulls away from him first. Yijeong opens his eyes and tries to read Kyungil's expression so he knows what to say, but he's met with blank eyes and a firmly set jaw. Yijeong feels like he's done something wrong and he's about to apologize when Kyungil mutters, mostly to himself, "I think I've wanted to do that for a while now," before he stands up and leaves Yijeong's room, closing the door tightly behind him. 

Yijeong's hands rest in his lap as his brain fires up again to try to figure out what's just happened. He fails to process it as he gets ready for bed and he replays it all in his mind over and over until he finally falls asleep.


	3. three

Yijeong feels increasingly anxious as the time for dance practice looms. Kyungil didn’t take the van to the company this morning and Yijeong’s not sure what that means. He seemed pretty upset over not debuting, so maybe he decided to take a day off, Yijeong concludes. If he wasn’t so upset, he wouldn’t have... The events of the night before still feel like a dream, or a nightmare. Yijeong hasn’t quite decided which since he sees the potential for both.

The walk to the practice room is nerve-wracking and he’s relieved when he doesn’t see Kyungil as he walks in. When he doesn’t show up after ten minutes, however, Yijeong starts to worry. He tries to practice, but his mind keeps wandering. _What if he’s sick? What if something bad happened to him because he was so upset? What if he... hates me?_

After a rather unproductive hour of practice, Yijeong decides to head to his next lesson early and tries to stop wondering _what if?_ Even though he wouldn’t be brave enough to call him anyway, Yijeong suddenly realizes they don’t even have each other’s numbers. His vocal coach notices how distracted he is and asks him if something’s wrong, but he tells her that he’s fine and that he’ll try harder.

The day feels like it drags on more than usual and Yijeong’s extra exhausted when he gets back to the dorm thanks to all the worrying. The light’s on in Kyungil’s room, but he doesn’t dare to knock. If he wants space, he’ll give him space. _Just as long as he doesn’t hate me._

For the rest of the week, Yijeong shows up for dance practice to an empty room. He learns that the trainees Kyungil had been practicing with were the ones about to make their debut without him, so that must be the reason why he hasn’t come back to practice since. Yijeong does his best to practice alone, but it’s only been three months and he’s too worried to feel motivated.

Yijeong finally sees Kyungil leaving the office at the company four days after the... incident and his heart skips a beat. He’s not sure whether or not he should acknowledge him, but he doesn’t have to wonder because Kyungil smiles kindly at him and approaches him like nothing’s changed. Maybe nothing has. “Are you done with your lessons for the day?” he asks easily. “Yeah,” Yijeong says. Where have you been? Are you okay? he wonders, but doesn’t ask. “Want to go for a drive?”

“You have a car?” Kyungil shrugs. “Yeah. Wanna go?” Yijeong nods eagerly, accepting the offer before the logical part of his brain kicks in to talk him out of it. “Get your stuff, let’s go.”

Five minutes later, Yijeong climbs into the front seat of Kyungil’s car and they set off toward a mystery destination. “So this is why you haven’t been taking the van,” Yijeong mutters. “Something like that.” Kyungil turns on the radio and Yijeong can’t seem to relax, this isn’t normal and he can’t make sense of the sudden shift in their relationship. “Why did you get called into the office?” Yijeong asks after gathering up the courage to speak. “I didn’t. I went in to tell them... I’m leaving.” Yijeong’s heart drops. “You’re leaving?”

“Nine years, remember? I’ll never debut at this rate. It’s time.” Questions fill Yijeong’s mind and he can’t decide what to ask first, but Kyungil’s not offering up much information so he has to try something. “I’ve already moved my stuff out of the dorm, I’m going to stay with my mom until I find an apartment.”

“But... your dream...” Yijeong stutters. Kyungil shrugs. “Not my dream anymore. I’ll find a new one. This one just... isn’t working for me anymore.” Yijeong shakes his head strongly. “I don’t believe you.” Kyungil tilts his head slightly. “Don’t believe what?” he asks. “You still feel it. I’ve seen you when you’re dancing... you still feel it. Even if you’ve convinced everyone else, you’ll never convince me.”

“And what makes you think you know me so well?” Yijeong deflates slightly. He’s right. They’ve only known each other for a few months. What does he know... “I don’t. But I know that your eyes never light up quite the same way as they do when you’re dancing.” It sounds cheesy, and it’s a little too intimate of a detail for friendship, so Yijeong turns slightly to peer out the front windshield. “I’m not going to stop dancing. An old friend of mine started up a dance school and he offered me a job. I may as well get paid for all of the training I’ve done, right? I’m not going to stop dancing altogether, just not on stage. And it’s not like I was doing that anyway.” Kyungil reaches out to tap his knee briefly so that Yijeong turns to look at him. “Why are you getting so worked up about this? Are you gonna miss me?” he teases lightly.

“Don’t leave because of me,” Yijeong blurts out. “I’m sorry I ki... I’m sorry I kissed you and it’ll never happen again, okay? So, don’t leave because of me.” _Don’t leave me._ Yijeong can’t look at him, he turns to stare at the dash and wrings his hands, embarrassed about his outburst. Kyungil sighs and pulls into a parking lot, parking the car and turning off the engine. “It’s not because of you.” Kyungil clears his throat and continues quietly. “And you didn’t kiss me. I kissed you.”

 _Why?_ Yijeong wonders. _Why on earth would you do something like that?_ “I’m leaving because it’s time for me to stop. It would have happened even if I hadn’t met you.” Yijeong still doubts his honesty, but he doesn’t have any choice but to believe him. “Who’s going to teach me to dance now?” Yijeong asks, his voice weak as his emotions pile up. “Probably one of the actual dance teachers. They’ll be way better than me, I promise.”

“No, they won’t,” Yijeong pouts. Kyungil chuckles softly. “I’ll come and see you when you’re a singing, dancing superstar, okay?” Yijeong shakes his head. “That’s not soon enough.”

“Give me your phone,” Kyungil commands. Yijeong digs his phone out of his pocket and hands it over. “I don’t mean we can’t see each other until then,” he explains. “I’m not leaving because of you, remember?”

“Promise?” Yijeong asks, finally gazing up at him with sad eyes. “I promise.” Kyungil hands his phone back to him. “You’d better not be lying,” Yijeong mumbles. “Want to get some pizza before we head back to the dorm?” Yijeong nods, hoping pizza will be heavy enough to weigh down the emotions that keep threatening to climb their way up his throat.

Kyungil drops him off at the dorm an hour later, as promised, and Yijeong doesn’t feel ready to open his door yet so he just sits silently in the front seat. “Are you sure you’re not leaving because of me?” Yijeong asks because he’s still not convinced and he knows that if he doesn’t ask now, he may never get the chance. “Yijeong,” Kyungil begins quietly, “you’re not the reason why I’m leaving.” Something in Kyungil’s eyes is telling him it’s not the whole story, so he waits patiently for him to continue his explanation. After a silent moment, he adds, “You’re just one of the reasons why I can’t stay.”

Yijeong doesn’t know how to respond to that because it seems like a contradiction.

“Are you coming inside?” he asks after a brief silence, feeling like this might be goodbye. “I have a few more things to grab from my room.” Yijeong nods and they get out of the car.

He’s never been inside Kyungil’s room. Well, it’s not even his room anymore, but all the same. It feels weird, standing in the middle of the room while Kyungil prepares to leave for good. It’s strangely meaningful, standing silently as Kyungil packs the last of his belongings into a bag before he glances around at the room he’s inhabited for the past three years. “Well, I think that’s all of it.” Yijeong’s not exactly sure why his emotions are clawing back up his throat but he’s not enjoying it. He doesn’t know what to say, but he doesn’t want Kyungil to leave without saying something, anything. “This is really it?” Yijeong says, his voice timid and weak despite trying to sound strong. Kyungil sighs and picks up his suitcase. “It is for me, kid.” Yijeong bristles at the nickname and stuffs his emotions back down. “I’m sure your mom will be happy to have you back at home.”

“Yeah, she probably will.” The silence is less than comfortable and Yijeong suspects he’ll say something stupid if he opens his mouth or worse, start crying in front of him. Instead, he throws logic out the window and wraps his arms around him. Kyungil is only caught off guard for a second before he drops his bag so he can wrap his own arms around Yijeong tightly in return. “Keep working hard and you’ll make it,” Kyungil tells him warmly.

Yijeong drops his arms first because he’ll definitely start crying if he drags this goodbye out any longer than he already has. “Goodbye,” he says calmly, though he feels like he’s spiraling out of control. “Goodbye.”

Kyungil takes a moment to observe him before ruffling his hair quickly and picking his bag up from the floor. “Don’t always make me text you first, okay?” Kyungil says as they exit the room and turn off the lights. “Okay,” Yijeong agrees weakly. “I’ll see you around,” Kyungil replies before he walks to the front door, leaving Yijeong behind.

He gets ready for bed and lies on his bunk in the dark, not exactly crying, not exactly not crying either. Mostly he just feels stupid for letting this get to him, for letting himself get so attached to another trainee. It’s not like he doesn’t know. People leave companies every day. He’s seen it happen before firsthand over the past year. So why is he laying in the dark and not _not_ crying over something that happens every day?

It’s not that he doesn’t know the answer, it’s just that he’s not ready to admit it to himself yet.

He’s managing to calm back down and starting to fall asleep when his phone lights up. He scans the message on the screen and even though he was hoping, he’s honestly surprised when he finds that it’s from Kyungil.

“You’re right, my mom is thrilled,” it reads and Yijeong smiles warmly. “Don’t you know you should trust me by now?” he texts back and waits for the reply to come in. “I trust you,” is all the message says and Yijeong’s insides are twisting up because he is in way over his head and he doesn’t know what this all means but even so, he’s anxious to find out.

히스토리

It’s weird, to say the least, training without him. They’d spent so much time together since Yijeong had started at this new company and it just seems... wrong that he’s not around anymore. He probably should have gotten to know some of the other trainees, but he was too preoccupied.

He misses him. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but it is the truth. He misses him a lot of the time, but most of all when he meets his new dance teacher. He’s loud and expects him to learn choreography after seeing it once, and he’s not even half as attractive. He knows he shouldn’t compare his new teacher to Kyungil, he knows that he’s only setting himself up to be disappointed, but it’s hard not to compare them. Eventually, he decides there’s no comparison at all.

“If I never debut, it’s all your fault,” he texts Kyungil once he’s back at the dorm after a long day of classes and laying in his bunk. He’s not sure if he’ll still be awake so late at night, but he’s still annoyed every time he remembers his new dance teacher, so he sends the message anyway. He gets a response about ten minutes later. “I take it practice today didn’t go very well?”

“He keeps yelling at me and you know that doesn’t help me improve, and he’s expecting way too much from me. I think he thinks I’m hopeless.” After a moment, he sends another message. “Am I hopeless?” He kind of regrets sending it but it’s too late to take it back, so he tries to prepare himself for all of the possible answers. He’s a little nervous when his phone vibrates and he picks it up to read Kyungil’s message. “I think you’re gonna debut, despite what your dance teacher or anyone else thinks. You’re gonna do it because you know you can, not because other people tell you that you can.”

Another message arrives a moment later, “And you’re not hopeless. You pick things up quickly, you just have to put in the practice.” Yijeong can’t help but smile at the kind words and he replies, “You’re getting sappy in your old age.” The next text he receives reads, “Do you want me to take back all the nice things I just said about you?” and he chuckles before sending back, “It’s too late for that.”

Yijeong continues working hard and not sleeping much as he focuses mostly on dancing even though he’d much rather be singing. He still sends messages to Kyungil when he gets a chance; he doesn’t always get a response, but Kyungil never seems annoyed that he’s still contacting him, so he keeps sending them. He never crosses the line, he never texts without making sure that he isn’t going too far. Sometimes he thinks it was all a dream, that night when Kyungil kissed him all of a sudden. He was probably just having trouble handling all of his emotions and making decisions about his future and he just... acted without thinking. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t going to mention it and risk screwing up their friendship. Ever. Especially since he still hadn’t bothered to get to know anyone else at the company or kept in touch with his friends from high school. He practiced and practiced and that ate up all of his time. He couldn’t afford to lose his only friend.

September rolls around and Yijeong can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. His whole life revolves around training and writing music back at the dorm, but it’s okay because it’s giving him something to focus on other than Kyungil and how much he misses him.

When Kyungil walks into the practice one Friday evening, he figures he must be more sleep deprived than he thought. That is until Kyungil smiles widely at him and says, “Come on, I’m breaking you out of here.”

A few minutes later, he’s sitting in the front seat of Kyungil’s car and hoping that he doesn’t look sweaty from dance practice. “Where are you taking me?” he asks tentatively. “Don’t ruin the surprise.”

“You showed up at practice without any warning. Wasn’t that enough of a surprise?” Kyungil shakes his head stubbornly. “It’s not far, you’ll know soon enough.” He turns on the radio and Yijeong stares out the windshield, still trying to process the fact that Kyungil showed up out of the blue to see him, to take him somewhere. “How’s work?” he asks, giving up on trying to get the answer out of him. “It’s fine. How’s training?” Kyungil asks in return. “It’s fine.”

Eventually, after a few minutes spent in awkward silence, they turn into a parking lot in front of an old-fashioned looking theater. “A movie?” Yijeong asks. “I’d told you you’d figure it out,” Kyungil jokes. He buys the movie tickets, even though Yijeong tries to stop him. Then he buys him a soda and a popcorn and offers to buy him candy too, even though Yijeong tells him he has money. “No, you don’t,” Kyungil replies. “You’re still a trainee, remember?” They walk into the theater and find their seats in the back, at the very top of the stairs. Yijeong sits down, popcorn bucket in his lap and tries to figure out why Kyungil is acting so strangely.

“Why did you pick a horror movie?” Yijeong asks, testing the waters. “Are you planning something?” He’s joking, but Kyungil appears shocked instead of amused. “What? You said you wanted to see this one back when it came out. I had to search all over to find a theater that was still playing it.” Yijeong chuckles nervously. “It was just a joke.” Kyungil turns his attention to the screen and Yijeong tries to figure out what’s going on with him. It feels strange, being the confident one for once while Kyungil sits next to him nervously tapping his foot. After a moment, he gently lays a hand on Kyungil’s thigh and he stops moving. “This isn’t, like, a first date or anything, you know. Relax.” Kyungil glances over at him and Yijeong immediately knows he’s said something wrong yet again. “Friends go to movies all the time. Don’t make it weird.”

“You’re the one making it weird, you’re all nervous,” Yijeong points out. “Is something wrong at home? Or work?” The lights dim in the theater and Kyungil shushes him. “The movie’s starting, don’t distract me.” Yijeong looks away and stares at the screen, trying not to feel upset. He’d honestly been looking forward to this prospect ever since Kyungil had suggested going to a movie together months ago even though he thought it was unlikely to happen but now that he was actually experiencing it, he just had to keep opening his big mouth and ruining it.

He leans closer to Kyungil during the opening credits and whispers, “How did you know it was my birthday?” Kyungil turns his head quickly, surprise etched on his face. “Shh,” he says after a few seconds, “we can talk after the movie.” Kyungil turns back to the screen and Yijeong smiles despite still feeling a little hurt. “Thank you,” he says, only turning away after he sees Kyungil smile slightly at his words.

They both seem to enjoy horror movies a lot and Yijeong’s actually proud that he’d only reflexively grabbed on to Kyungil’s arm during a jump scare and made it awkward once. Kyungil’s presence next to him was distracting, but he managed to get wrapped up in the storyline enough to enjoy the last half of the movie.

The ending credits roll and the audience files out, but the lights don’t go up and Kyungil doesn’t move so Yijeong waits for an indication of what he should do next. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier,” he says into the darkness. “It’s okay, I—” Yijeong begins, but Kyungil interrupts him quickly. “If this was a date, you’d know it, okay?”

“So... what is it, then?” Yijeong asks even though he knows he shouldn’t. “A birthday present. And a break from endless practicing.”

“Thank you,” Yijeong says for a second time. “I should get you back to the dorm before you get in trouble.” Kyungil stands up from his seat and takes the empty popcorn bucket from Yijeong’s lap, staring down at him and pausing slightly. “Happy birthday,” he adds almost inaudibly before leaving the row. Yijeong sighs and follows him out of the theater.

The ride back to the dorm is silent aside from the radio and Yijeong’s thoughts are threatening to devour him alive once again as he over analyzes every aspect of the past three hours, so he’s more grateful than ever before when Kyungil parks in front of the dorm.

“See ya,” Yijeong says as he opens his door, but he turns back to Kyungil before he can lose his nerve. “When it’s your birthday, I’ll buy,” he adds while getting out of the car and shutting the door before Kyungil can answer him.

He walks into his room, which he still has to himself for the time being, and turns on the light. He stands with his back to the door and sighs heavily. “Jang Yijeong, what the hell are you doing?” he questions himself quietly, but he never gets a response.

 

 


	4. four

It’s an ordinary day to everyone else, but today turns out to be the day that Yijeong lies to his company for the very first time. He tells his vocal coach that his mom is in the hospital and that he needs to go visit her because he doesn’t know if it’s anything serious yet. That’s how desperate he’s become. Now he’s lying about his mother’s health and it’s not a good look on him. Of course, his teacher believes him because he’s never lied to anyone here before and tells him he can skip his last class for the day.

Ten minutes later, Yijeong’s on a bus headed straight downtown where he knows Kyungil is busy teaching his last class at a reasonably nice looking dance studio. Kyungil doesn’t know Yijeong’s planning on coming to see him, he probably doesn’t even know that Yijeong knows his work schedule, but he’s always been detail oriented and even more so when it involves people he cares about, people like Kyungil.

He lies easily, gets on a bus easily, gets off the same bus easily and stands in front of a rather intimidating building. It takes him a full minute before he can walk in, pretending it’s easy, and he tells the receptionist he’s here to see a teacher. She tells him that his last class should finish soon and invites him to wait in the hall until he’s done.

Kyungil is teaching a group of rambunctious 7 and 8-year-olds patiently; Yijeong can see him through the glass window in the door and his breath catches like he’s forgotten just how beautiful he thinks Kyungil is. _He looks happy,_ Yijeong muses contently. _Will he be happy to see me?_

A few minutes later, parents appear to pick up their kids and the door to the practice room opens. It’s immediately chaos of moving and chattering as the kids file out to find their parents. It’s in this moment that Yijeong thinks this was a terrible idea and wonders if he should just exit with the crowd before anyone knows he’s not really supposed to be here but before he can make a decision, Kyungil’s face appears in the doorway. He’s obviously caught off guard to see Yijeong standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?” Yijeong’s worried that he’s upset for a minute, worried that the receptionist will hear and have him hauled out by security, but the smile on his face suggests otherwise. Yijeong’s not sure what to say, with kids running back and forth between them to their parents’ frustration.

“Wait in here, I’ll be right back.” Yijeong walks into the practice room and Kyungil closes the door before he walks out into the main room. _That could have been worse,_ Yijeong decides as he wanders around the room, exploring the unfamiliar surroundings. It’s about five minutes before Kyungil returns, keys in hand. He jingles the keys before putting them in his pocket. “I convinced her to let me lock up, so it’s just us now.” Yijeong turns around at his words, unsure of what he means and his heart feels tight in his chest. “She must trust you a lot,” he says to make up for the fact that he has no idea what to say. “Yeah, she loves me.”

Oh. Of course. It’s not the first time Yijeong’s seen Kyungil flirt to get what he wants. He’s been on the receiving end a few times. “So, should we get started?” Yijeong drags his focus back to the moment he’s living in right now. “Started on what?” he squeaks, his voice sounding wrong as it echoes off the walls. “Dance practice. That’s why you came down here, right?” Right. Of course that’s why he’s here. “Why else would I show up unannounced?” he says, like it’s obvious, like there’s no possible reason why he’d come to see him on a whim. Like it isn’t just because he missed him so bad he couldn’t breathe or think or exist. Of course there’s a purpose to this, of course he’s here to practice.

Yijeong’s suddenly grateful that he’s kept downloading dance videos to his phone even since Kyungil left so he has something he can show when he asks, “What have you been working on?” Kyungil watches the video for a minute before nodding confidently. “Oh, you can handle this one. It’s simple.” Yijeong doesn’t buy it, but it’s not like he has any choice but to let Kyungil teach him the way he used to. He got himself into this situation and he has to see it through. Kyungil turns on the song and tells him, “Show me how far you’ve gotten.”

Yijeong takes a deep breath, and then another, but his heart just won’t calm down as he starts to dance, intensely aware of Kyungil’s eyes on him, checking his form, noting the weak points, planning out how he’ll help him fix them. It’s not the first time, and it hasn’t been that long since the last time, but today it’s driving him crazy as Kyungil watches him dancing and he messes up the moves more and more as the routine continues and his focus wanes.

Kyungil turns off the music and stands next to Yijeong in the mirror. “Okay, this one?” he says as he demonstrates the move effortlessly. “Turn your arm in instead of out and slow it down a little.” He demonstrates again, more slowly and Yijeong tries to follow along, trying to ignore everything else and focus only on what he’s supposed to be focused on. Not the way he can feel Kyungil’s eyes on him, not the way he keeps leaning over to correct his form, not the way he keeps avoiding eye contact when Kyungil comes too close. Focus on dancing. It’s just dancing. _Focus._ Yijeong repeats the word internally over and over again, but it doesn’t seem to help because the next thing he knows, Kyungil’s standing in front of him. Finally, he seems to notice Yijeong’s glassy eyes and puts his hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright? Too tired for this? Should we take a break?”

The concern in his voice is breaking Yijeong down quickly and he’s filled with an intense urge to run because he’s not sure what he’ll do next if he stays here. Probably the wrong thing. “No,” he says, shaking Kyungil’s hand off his shoulder. “Keep going.” Kyungil doesn’t look convinced, but he moves on to the next part of the choreography and Yijeong follows his instructions for the next 30 minutes. “Anything else you want to work on?” Kyungil asks and Yijeong shakes his head. “No, I should go.”

“I’ll give you a ride then,” Kyungil offers and Yijeong knows he shouldn’t accept, but he’s not ready to say goodbye just yet. Kyungil turns off the lights in the dance studio and locks up behind him as Yijeong follows. “My car’s in the garage across the street,” Kyungil says, but Yijeong’s not listening much, just following blindly and ignoring his internal voice that says this was a terrible idea. He gets into the passenger seat and Kyungil turns over the engine. “Want to go to my place first?” _God, yes._ “I mean, you haven’t seen it yet. It’s nothing fancy, but...”

“Yes. I mean, okay. I’d like to see it.” Yijeong’s never disliked the sound of his own voice this much before, but he keeps sounding weaker and he knows now is not the time for weakness. Kyungil turns on the radio and drives for a few minutes before he asks, “Are you sure everything is okay? Is something going on at the company?” Yijeong shakes his head. “Everything is fine,” he lies and realizes he’s getting much better at that these days.

It doesn’t really hit him until he’s standing in the living room of Kyungil’s apartment, but he quickly realizes what a terrible idea this is. “It’s small, but it’s nicer than the dorm,” Kyungil says and Yijeong can’t argue with that. “I’m gonna order some food, do you want something?” Yijeong shrugs because he knows he should eat, but he’s not at all hungry. “I’ll eat anything,” he lies again and Kyungil doesn’t seem to believe him but he leaves to find a takeout menu anyway. Yijeong sits down on the couch, feeling extremely awkward, and curses himself internally for putting himself in this situation, again.

Kyungil sits on the couch and calls in the order before he turns on the tv and flips through the channels. “So, how goes the trainee life these days? Anything changed from when I was there?” Yijeong thinks he’s acting way too nonchalantly and it’s making him even more nervous. “Nothing new to report,” he says and Kyungil doesn’t say anything else until the food arrives. They just sit on the couch awkwardly like they haven’t known each other for months as the minutes drag on and on.

When the food finally arrives, he lays all of the containers out on the coffee table and hands Yijeong a pair of chopsticks. Yijeong starts to force himself to eat, but before he can decide on what to try, Kyungil opens his mouth to speak. “I can’t date you,” he tells him abruptly and Yijeong’s glad he wasn’t eating yet because he probably would have choked and embarrassed himself even more. He sets down his chopsticks and turns to look at Kyungil. “When did I ask you to?” Yijeong manages to ask. “Going to that movie... wasn’t a date,” he begins, “but I feel like you wanted it to be.”

“I know it wasn’t a date, you were the one acting weird,” Yijeong reminds him. “Fine, maybe you didn’t want it to be a date. But maybe I... did.” Yijeong’s not even sure if he’s breathing anymore, unsure of what to say or do, unsure of how to keep from ruining everything by saying something stupid. “Maybe?”

“Maybe,” Kyungil replies, looking at him nervously before turning back toward the table and reaching for a container to eat from. “I wasn’t planning on dating you.” Yijeong’s not even sure what’s a lie and what’s true anymore. “Then why did you kiss me back?” _Okay,_ Yijeong thinks to himself, _if we’re going to talk about this, let’s actually talk._ “Because I wanted to kiss you. I never said anything about dating you.”

“Good. Because we can’t. Someday you’re going to be famous and I’m not gonna be the one who fucks that up for you.” Kyungil’s not looking at him, picking at his food absently. “I’m not gonna let you fuck that up for me,” Yijeong counters and Kyungil finally looks at him again. “The last guy I dated almost ruined my life. I’m not interested in going through that again. So, we can’t date.” He’s not telling the whole truth but his voice is steady and he knows Kyungil doesn’t have any reason to doubt him so he continues. “If you’re not bringing this up because you want to date me, then what do you want?”

“I want to kiss you.” If Yijeong was breathing before, he’s certainly stopped now. “When do you want to kiss me?” All the confidence has left his voice and he feels small again. “Most of the time.” It’s not that he believes it, but he just really wants to. “Like... right now?”

“Yeah. Like right now.” Yijeong sends up a silent prayer of thanks to the universe and anyone else who’s listening before gathering up the rest of his courage to say, “Then why aren’t you doing it yet?” The tension in the room shifts as Kyungil turns to him. “Don’t you have to get back to the dorm?” he asks. “I think I can wait a little longer.”

“There’s no going back from here, are you okay with that?” _God, yes_. Yijeong decides there’s no need for words at this point and closes the distance between them so he can kiss Kyungil before he changes his mind. It seems that’s all the encouragement he needs because he’s immediately pulling Yijeong closer and kissing him back. It’s better than the last time, if you ask Yijeong. Less tentative, less confusing, less likely to stop before he’s ready, as if he could ever be ready.

Yijeong’s not really sure what would have happened if his phone hadn’t gone off and interrupted them, but he’s hoping he’ll have time to find out in the future. He realizes he’s basically ended up in Kyungil’s lap as he has to climb off to reach his phone where it rests on the coffee table. There are two texts from his manager, one that says, “Are you still at the hospital?” and another that reads, “Are you coming back to the dorm or staying with your mom tonight?” Frankly, he’d almost forgotten the lies he’d told at the company and since it’s going so well, he’s tempted to say he’s spending the night so he can stay here and find out exactly what would happen between them if they eliminated all interruptions... but he doesn’t want to test his luck today, not when he’s pretty sure he’s just used it all up on the fact that the most attractive man he’s ever seen in his life is interested in him enough to kiss him. Repeatedly.

“Gotta go back?” Kyungil asks and Yijeong nods. “Yeah.” Kyungil gets up from the couch to put away the leftover food that they barely touched while Yijeong texts his manager that he’s heading back to the dorm now. “So... what does this, like, mean?” he asks when Kyungil returns from the kitchen. _Where do we go from here?_ “Well, we can’t date, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out like... this. If you really think you can handle that.” Yijeong has been lying all day, so it isn’t hard for him to come up with a response he knows will convince Kyungil that he’s capable of a relationship like this. “Of course I can handle it. Can you?” The fake confidence sounds wrong to him but Kyungil doesn’t seem to notice, or he at least doesn’t let on. “I only have classes to teach on Saturday morning this week. Are you free at all this weekend?”

“I’ll work something out.” Kyungil nods and Yijeong gets up from the couch. “Let’s get you back to the dorm before you miss your curfew.”

히스토리

Yijeong may have gotten better at lying to other people lately, but he’s still not all that good at lying to himself. Not at night, in the dark, when all of his lies start to pile up and bury him. He’s staring at the bottom of the top bunk and thinking about Kyungil. More specifically, about the lies he told Kyungil.

It wasn’t a lie that he’d had a disastrous relationship during the time he spent training at his first company, with a guy he’d known during high school. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to make sure that Yijeong didn’t ever think he could have a relationship and fame at the same time. Someday, he’d have to choose. But Kyungil said they couldn’t have a relationship like that, that they couldn’t date, so that should have solved the problem. Right?

It would have been if Yijeong didn’t have any interest in dating him but that was a lie that he told Kyungil, not one that he could believe himself. Not at two in the morning in the dark, not when he sees him every time he closes his eyes. He’s trying to be the no-strings-attached kind of person, but it’s not who he really is. He’s trying not to wonder who what Kyungil’s doing when they aren’t together, but he’s still wondering. It’s wearing him down and he knows that it’ll all blow up someday, but he doesn’t care enough to stop. He’s decided to just take it as it comes, even though historically speaking he sucks at that, since he knows it’s crazy enough that Kyungil wants him at all and he’ll take what he can get.

 


	5. five

They don’t get to see each other more than once a week or so, but they’re texting a lot to make up for it. Yijeong thinks that he’s a lot better at flirting on his phone than he is in real life, and it’s nice that Kyungil can’t see his reaction to all of the cheesy, ridiculous, cutesy messages he sends him throughout the day. If he’s texting, Yijeong decides, then he’s not with anyone else for the moment and that brings him a little peace of mind, at least until he starts to feel gross and possessive over someone he has no right to.

He’s trying not to get too attached, he’s trying not to read too much into all of this, he’s trying to remember that it’s not anything serious to Kyungil, but knowing all of that isn’t really having an effect on him anymore. He knew he was in over his head from day one, but he just keeps sinking. He’s not sure if he’s ever fallen for anyone like this before and that’s as scary as it is thrilling. Well, admittedly, maybe a little more scary than thrilling but not scary enough to stop.

He’s sleeping less than ever thanks to his trips across town to Kyungil’s apartment and his inability to stop worrying and fall asleep. It didn’t matter much at first, but now his teachers are starting to realize that he’s not as focused as he used to be and he’s getting yelled at more and more. Even his vocal coach is assigning him extra practice time and his dancing hasn’t improved in weeks.

This problem escalates to the point that he’s called into the office and scolded for the fact that his progress has all but stalled out. It’s not like anyone here wants to hear his excuses, but he couldn’t tell them why he’s so distracted anyway. The real reason could get him in even bigger trouble, so he stays silent. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before and maybe they’re right, maybe he’s not cut out for this life. He’s not even sure he wants it anymore. It’s too complicated. Maybe he’d be better off as a normal person with a normal job and a normal boyfriend. All of the doubts in his head are crowding out his dreams and he knows he’ll have to make a decision soon so he can stop wasting everyone’s time.

“I got in trouble with the company.” Yijeong brings up the subject abruptly the next time he sees Kyungil at his apartment. “What? For sneaking out to see me?” Yijeong leans back into the couch. “No, for not working hard enough.”

“Why aren’t you working hard enough?” Not at all the reaction he wanted. “I’ve just got a lot on my plate and I’m barely sleeping...” As soon as he says it, he knows it’s a mistake. “Should we take a break, then? I mean, if this thing is interfering with your debut then we have to stop.” _This thing,_ Yijeong thinks. _This thing that obviously doesn’t matter as much to you as it does to me._ “Is that what you want?” Kyungil can’t ignore the venom in Yijeong’s voice and he sighs. “Don’t turn this around on me, okay? The deal is that if this ever interferes with your future, we stop.”

“And what if I don’t want to stop?” _What if you stop wanting me?_ “Then you’ll work harder.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and Kyungil sits down next to him on the couch. “If I’m the reason you can’t concentrate, then I should back off.”

“I don’t want you to back off.” _I want you to stop confusing me so I can actually fall asleep._ “What do you want then?” Yijeong knows he asking for a solution, for a backup plan, but that’s not the kind of answer he feels like giving right now. After all, they haven’t seen each other for more than a week and the last thing he wants is to waste any more time disagreeing.

“I want you,” he replies and finally gets the reaction he was looking for when Kyungil’s expression changes. “I’ll work harder, so don’t back off.” _Come closer._ “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Kyungil kisses him for at least five minutes and Yijeong starts to think it finally might be heading somewhere when Kyungil takes his hand and leads him to his room, but they actually end up watching a movie in Kyungil’s bed and finishing off two bottles of wine in two and a half hours.

Maybe he’s a little disappointed at first but he feels warm and comfortable laying in Kyungil’s arms as the end credits begin to roll. After a moment, he hears Kyungil sniffling softly and sits up slightly. “You okay?” he asks, tilting his head a bit so he can see Kyungil’s face. “Are you... crying?”

“No,” he answers quickly, wiping his face roughly. “A little. I guess.” Yijeong chuckles and sits up next to him, laying his hands on Kyungil’s arm. “Was the movie really that sad? It didn’t seem sad to me...”

“She never knew how he felt,” Kyungil replies. “You’re a little drunk, aren’t you?” Yijeong says, moving over to wipe away Kyungil’s tears before leaning in to kiss him softly. “You don’t think it’s sad that they didn’t end up together?”

“It’s just life, isn’t it? It’s sad, but...” Yijeong shrugs, knowing that trying to have a debate with someone who’s drunk is never going to end well. “Maybe we should pick a happier movie next time.” Kyungil sits up next to him. “Do you know?” he asks suddenly, his eyes wide. “Do I know what?”

“That I feel... I feel,” he finishes weakly. “I wasn’t making fun of you, I’m sorry.” Yijeong smiles gently. “I’ve just never seen you cry at a movie before.”

“Not that, I... I feel... something.” Yijeong’s smile fades as he finally realizes what he’s talking about and his heart stops cold for a few seconds. “Oh. Oh, that something.” Kyungil reaches out to hold his hand tightly. “There’s... something, right? You know there’s... something.” How could he not know? If there wasn’t anything between them other than the promise of sex, they would have hooked up already and moved on. It’s just... something nameless because putting a name to it would mean confronting it and that could mean disaster if the names didn’t match, but it is definitely _something_. “Yeah. I know. Don’t worry.”

“Don’t forget... that, okay?” Yijeong nods. “I should... go home before I get in any more trouble.” Kyungil pouts slightly. “Can’t you stay?” It’s not easy, but he pulls himself away and gets out of bed. “Not tonight. They might kick me out if I keep stepping out of line.”

Kyungil slumps his shoulders and follows him out of the bedroom and into the living room as he checks his pockets to make sure that he has his wallet and his phone. Then he steps down into the entryway and puts on his shoes. Kyungil continues to pout drunkenly as Yijeong gets ready to leave. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I’ll give you a ride to the company first thing tomorrow morning.” It’s not that he doesn’t want to stay; it’s just too risky. “They’re already unhappy with me right now, I don’t want to make it any worse.” Kyungil nods. “I understand,” he says before leaning down to kiss him passionately.

Kisses like these are the reason why he thought this night was heading somewhere new a few hours ago and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t questioning his decision to go home tonight, but Kyungil’s drunk and that’s not the kind of thing he’s willing to take advantage of. Especially considering it would be their first time together. To be honest, even though they’ve been building toward it for a long time and so that can’t possibly be the only reason why Kyungil’s interested in him, there’s still a part of him that thinks the spell will be broken as soon as they reach that milestone and he doesn’t want to risk that, especially when he’s not even certain how much of it Kyungil would even remember.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Yijeong promises as soon as he manages to pull away, “and we can pick up right where we left off.” Kyungil smiles lazily and leans against the wall. “I’m gonna hold you to that.” Yijeong opens the door and Kyungil requests, “Text me when you get back to the dorm or I’ll worry.” Yijeong knows some of Kyungil’s drunk habits so he’s fairly confident that he’ll pass out long before he receives that text message, but he agrees anyway before kissing Kyungil goodbye quickly. “Get some sleep,” he says as he steps out into the hallway. “You too,” Kyungil replies before closing the door. Yijeong feels strangely regretful as he walks to the bus stop to go back to the dorm, but he knows he’s doing the right thing. If you can call lying to everyone and risking everything ‘the right thing’.

He sends a text to Kyungil as soon as he’s in bed, not expecting a reply but keeping his promise anyway. At least it’s _something_ to both of them. Maybe it’s only something to Kyungil when he’s drunk, but he can live with that. It’s progress, at least. It’s _something._

히스토리

After another rough week, Yijeong’s feeling beaten down. First, his new dance teacher was still as impatient with him as ever, expecting him to master brand new routines in a few hours. Then his vocal coach got on his case about protecting his throat condition and sleeping more and he couldn’t even fight it because the truth is that he hasn’t been taking full advantage of the time he could be sleeping. Worst of all, he hasn’t seen Kyungil in more than two weeks and he hasn’t heard from him in at least half that time. He can’t shake the sinking feeling that he’ll move on because they never have time to see each other anymore.

He texts Kyungil as soon as his classes are over to tell him that he’ll be there in half an hour. Kyungil doesn’t answer, but Yijeong goes anyway because he’s fed up with everything and he’s not going to let anything else keep him from kissing the person he’s been dying to kiss for two weeks that feel like a lifetime.

He enters Kyungil’s apartment number on the keypad and the door opens almost immediately, so at least he knows he’s home. Yijeong takes the elevator to the fourth floor, walks up to the eighth door and rings the doorbell. It’s only a matter of seconds before the door opens and almost immediately, Yijeong’s kissing him in the hallway.

“Whoa,” Kyungil says, pulling away, “can I at least close the door first?” Defeated, Yijeong’s shoulders slump and he backs away slowly. “I’m not complaining,” Kyungil clarifies, “it was just a surprise.” It doesn’t really make him feel better, but he walks inside and closes the door anyway. After taking off his shoes, he follows Kyungil into the living room and then he’s being the one kissed without any warning. He soon discovers that he prefers it that way. It’s less risky.

“So, I take it you didn’t get over me while I was gone,” Yijeong says when they finally come up for air. “What? Of course not.” Kyungil seems genuinely offended at the implication and Yijeong knows he’s run too far ahead. Again. “I take it you missed me?” Yijeong crosses his arms. “Maybe a little.” _You didn’t text me back._ “What’s going on?” Kyungil asks, noticing that something’s off. “I want to quit.”

“Quit? Quit what?” Yijeong makes himself comfortable on the couch and waits for Kyungil to sit down before answering him because he knows this conversation isn’t going to go well, but it’s time to have it anyway. “I want to leave the company.”

“Did something happen?” Yijeong shrugs. “I’m not getting anywhere, I keep getting distracted and I don’t even think this is what I want anymore.”

“You don’t want to sing anymore?” Kyungil asks. “Not like this.” They sit in silence for a moment, but Yijeong knows he’s not going to give up this easily. “I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that.”

“You don’t have to believe me. It’s my decision.” The words come out like he’s been planning on what to say for a long time. Maybe he has. “You’re right, but if you quit we have to stop this too.” It seems like Kyungil expects him to understand and to agree without a fight, but he should know better. “That doesn’t make any sense. I want to be with you and I don’t want to be a singer. So I’ll quit training and be with you.”

“You’re not the kind of person who gives up their dreams because of a relationship. I know you better than that.” _If you knew me, you wouldn’t be doing this to me._ “Then I’ll quit training _and_ being with you. Will you believe me then?” Yijeong stands up from the couch, angrily crossing his arms. “Stop telling me what to do. We’re both adults here, okay?”

“I’m not. I’m just telling you what I can’t do.” Kyungil’s tone is easy and it doesn’t seem like he’d be bothered at all to end things between them right here and now. In reality, it’s breaking Yijeong’s heart but he’s trying to channel that emotion into anger instead. “So that’s it, huh? Just like that? You don’t want to be in my life if I’m not a miserable trainee? Fine. I don’t want to be in yours either.” He stomps out, stepping into his shoes and opening the door.

There is a part of him that wants Kyungil to stop him, to come after him, to tell him that he didn’t mean it after all, that he doesn’t want to lose him. None of that happens and by the time he sits down at the bus stop, he figures he should have known there was no chance of that. That it was finally over.

It’s not the first time he’s cried quietly in the back of a bus.

It almost certainly will not be the last.

 


	6. six

He’s trying to practice.

Really, he is.

Seriously.

He hasn’t seen Kyungil in three weeks and he hasn’t heard from him at all. They’d never really had a fight before and he was starting to feel like it might be over. Like Kyungil didn’t want him in his life anymore. He should tell him that it’s only been harder to focus on practicing since he decided to back off and stop texting him, but that would require talking to him and Yijeong’s not really sure if he’d listen anyway.

It’s a risk, but it’s been three weeks and he’s going crazy, so he lies to the company (again) and skips practice so he can climb on a bus to Kyungil’s apartment. He’s getting better at lying. He has Kyungil to thank for that, he guesses.

It’s not long before he’s standing in front of Kyungil’s apartment. He rings the doorbell once and waits for him to answer. All of the possible scenarios he’s spent hours thinking about spring to mind. Will Kyungil slam the door in his face? Will he be upset, will he yell and say he never wants to see him again? Will he even be willing to listen to what Yijeong has to say? Will Yijeong figure out what he wants to say before he answers the door?

He’d thought he’d prepared for all possible situations but somehow he realizes he wasn’t prepared enough when a woman he’s never seen before opens the door. _Oh_ , he thinks. _That’s the one I forgot._ He’s mortified, to say the least, and his instinct is to run, to run far, far away and never stop running, to leave before Kyungil can see him and laugh in his face. _You’ve been replaced, you should have seen this coming._

“Hello?” the woman says before he can run. “Are you here to see Kyungil-ie?” He starts to back away at the comfortable nickname and he’s seconds away from breaking into a sprint when Kyungil appears behind her in the doorway. “Hey. Come in,” he says easily. That’s probably the last thing Yijeong wants to do, but he’s not sure how to excuse showing up out of the blue and disappearing seconds later so he steps inside and awkwardly takes off his sneakers.

He slowly follows them into the kitchen, where it’s obvious that they’ve been cooking dinner together and the woman rests her elbows on the island as Kyungil stirs a mystery pot slowly. “You’re really not going to introduce me to your friend?” he hears her ask Kyungil before turning around and stepping closer to him. “Hi. I’m Park Eunyoung,” she says, offering him a handshake. He shakes her hand politely and replies, “I’m Jang Yijeong.”

“Ah. So _you’re_ Yijeong. I should have known.” Wait, did that mean that Kyungil had told her about him? He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel about that piece of information, so he ignores it for the moment. “You guys are obviously busy, I don’t want to intrude...” Eunyoung shakes her head and smiles at him. “No, if anything, I’m the one intruding. I just dropped by to say hello to my high school bestie. I have to work in a bit anyway.”

“Are you a dancer too?” he asks, feeling much better about this strange girl in Kyungil’s apartment suddenly. “Yeah. I’m one of the backup dancers for a show tonight. I was just about to head out.” She walks around the island to hug Kyungil quickly. “Don’t leave on my account,” Yijeong says softly, but she shakes her head again. “I’m not, I really was leaving. I can’t be late. It was nice to meet you, Yijeong.” She picks up her bag from the counter and Yijeong bows politely as she passes by him. “Have fun, you two,” she says lightly and then she’s gone.

Kyungil continues cooking and Yijeong’s not sure if he’s upset or merely focused, so he stands in front of the island across from him. “So... old high school friends?” he says carefully. “Yep, we’ve known each other for over a decade now. Why, did you think...” Yijeong shrugs bashfully and Kyungil smirks. “Well, if you’re wondering, we never even hooked up in high school. She doesn’t date other dancers anyway.” Yijeong thinks he hides his relief well and says, “She seems nice.”

“Why are you here?” Kyungil asks him after a short silence and his heart starts to ache. “Do you hate me?” Kyungil looks up from the stove at him. “What? Why do you think that?”

“You didn’t call me,” he says softly. “You didn’t call me either,” Kyungil counters. “Because I thought you hated me.” Kyungil turns down the burner and rounds the island to stand next to him. “I don’t hate you. You seemed pretty pissed at me when you left. I thought you wanted some space.” He can’t really argue with that. He could have been the one to call. Instead, he just showed up out of the blue and scared his best friend off and interrupted his dinner. He doesn’t really have an excuse for any of that. “No one likes being rejected,” he points out, staring at the top of the island. “I wasn’t. I wasn’t rejecting you, it’s just... complicated.”

“Wow, I’ve never heard that one before.” He knows he shares a lot of responsibility for the fact that they fought, but it’s pretty obvious that Kyungil doesn’t feel that sorry and it’s making him even more upset. “If you have to pick between me and your dream, you have to pick your dream. That’s all I was trying to say.” Yijeong throws his hands up and turns to Kyungil. “I can take care of myself,” he insists. “It’s my choice, don’t try to make it for me.”

“I think I have a choice in this too, you know,” Kyungil points out. “I refuse to make that choice,” Yijeong adds, ignoring him. “I want you and my dream. If I can’t have both, then I’ll just refuse to choose.” Kyungil sighs, ruffling Yijeong’s hair softly. “Work comes first. For both of us. Deal?”

“Deal,” Yijeong agrees, “but I’m done with work right now. What about you?” In response, he receives his favorite kind of answer as Kyungil leans in to kiss him chastely. “What about your dinner?” Yijeong asks, smiling up at him. “I put it on low, it’ll be fine. I’ve been waiting to do this for three weeks.” He leans back to kiss Yijeong tenderly once again. Too tenderly, in Yijeong’s opinion. He moves in closer and slides his hands up the sides of Kyungil’s shirt, trying to make his intentions clear.

Kyungil pulls away slightly, but before he can say anything, Yijeong says, “Don’t hold back for me.” Kyungil raises an eyebrow quizzically at him and Yijeong adds, “If you don’t want it, just tell me. But don’t hold back for me.”

“Want what?” he replies, obviously feigning ignorance or perhaps just refusing to get his hopes up. “Me,” Yijeong breathes, looking up at him nervously. “I always want you,” he responds deliberately and Yijeong’s nervousness melts away as he leans in to kiss him again, more passionately this time.

It’s not long before they stumble across the living room and make their way into Kyungil’s bedroom. Yijeong backs into the end of Kyungil’s bed and sits down, breaking contact for a few agonizing seconds. Kyungil quickly pulls his shirt off over his head and Yijeong thinks, _Holy shit_ , just the way he did the first time they met. This time, his eyes are clouded with a little more lust than they were back then, but mostly he’s still in awe of the fact that someone like Kyungil wants someone like him. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Hell yeah,” Yijeong says pointedly, looking him up and down slowly, still attempting to process the reality of the situation he’s dreamt of for months, “aren’t you?” He’s afraid that this will require more talking, but Kyungil seems placated by his response and moves closer, hovering over him as he leans down to kiss him again.

히스토리

Yijeong opens his eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling and feels disoriented for a moment as he squints and tries to figure out where he is. The night before comes back to him in flashes; escaping from practice to take a bus to Kyungil’s apartment, meeting one of his best friends, ending up in his bed and taking their relationship to the next level, eventually falling asleep in his arms.

He almost blushes at the memories that flood back to him, but that’s put on hold when he realizes he’s alone in bed. The clock on the nightstand tells him it’s only half past 7am and he knows it’s Sunday morning, so there’s no way he could have left to go to work. For a brief moment, he panics, gets out of bed and searches for his clothes on the floor. He’s the one in Kyungil’s apartment, so it’s not like there’s really anywhere he could have gone, but his mind jumps to the wrong conclusion and he’s pulling on his clothes roughly when Kyungil opens the door and comes back into his bedroom. Yijeong freezes and Kyungil looks at him suspiciously.

“Trying to run out on me, are you?” All of the tension and fear leaves Yijeong’s body at once and he sits down on the edge of Kyungil’s bed, dizzy from the adrenaline rush. “I thought...” he begins, but he can’t finish because he’s tired and emotional and he doesn’t want to seem weak. “You thought... what? You thought I... left?” He sits down next to Yijeong on the bed and puts his hand on his back gently. “I just had to pee. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“I know... I wasn’t totally awake. I wasn’t thinking straight.” He’s embarrassed and his hair is a mess and he really didn’t want this morning to go down like this. “I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to. Okay?” Yijeong doesn’t really believe him, but he doesn’t want to seem like a burden, so he changes the subject. “I’m hungry,” he says, even though it’s a lie because he still feels pretty sick to his stomach. “Really? Okay. I can cook something. Probably.” Kyungil starts to get up, but first Yijeong mutters, “You told her about me.”

“What?” Kyungil turns to look at him and Yijeong smiles sheepishly. “She knew about me. Eunyoung noona.” Kyungil nods and looks away from him, staring across the room at the door. “Yeah.”

“What did you tell her about me?” Kyungil leans back on his arms and sighs softly. “She wondered who I was always texting, so I told her how we met. I guess I must have talked about you a little too much, because I never told her how I felt about you. She figured it out all on her own.” He knows he shouldn’t ask anything else, but he gets greedy sometimes and wants all of the details, even if Kyungil doesn’t really seem to want to give them up. “How you feel about me?” he asks and Kyungil turns toward him slowly. “How we feel about each other.” Maybe he’s still dreaming because none of this feels real. “Which is why I’d never run out on you like that.”

“I know, I wasn’t thinking clearly,” he explains. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m happy to be right here with you.” Yijeong wants to believe him and that’s exactly why he can’t; his judgment is obviously compromised. “I’ll make you some breakfast and you can get dressed,” Kyungil says as he gets up from the bed and leaves the bedroom.

Yijeong gets dressed slowly, still embarrassed by his overreaction. He’s frustrated because he ruined what this morning could have been. All the months and buildup and then... he thought he would feel happy, but all he feels is regretful. Not for what happened last night, just for how he wasted this morning. He leaves the bedroom to splash some water on his face before sitting down on the couch in the living room while Kyungil tries to throw some kind of breakfast together.

After a few minutes, he presents him with a slightly messy looking omelet and sits down next to him with a cup of coffee. “Hopefully it tastes better than it looks.” Yijeong takes a bite slowly. “Are you okay? You’re so quiet,” Kyungil asks after a moment. “I’m okay.” He continues eating slowly as Kyungil looks at him. “Are you... mad at me?” he asks tentatively. “What?”

“Did I do something wrong? You said you were ready but maybe...” Yijeong shakes his head and put his hand on Kyungil’s leg. “No, it’s not that. I’m just mad at myself cause this isn’t how I wanted this morning to go.” Kyungil leans back a little, nodding. “Oh. Then, finish eating and let’s go back to bed.” Yijeong blushes briefly and finishes eating his omelette as Kyungil watches, smirking.

A few minutes later, they climb back into bed and Kyungil wraps his arms around Yijeong. “So, how did you want this morning to go?” Yijeong sighs gently. “I just wanted to lay here like this for a while and talk.” Kyungil tightens his hold on Yijeong and shifts into a more comfortable position. “Talk about what?”

“You know... did you sleep well? Something like that,” he admits quietly. “Did you sleep well?” Yijeong chuckles. “Yeah. Did you?” Kyungil nods, kissing the top of his spine. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I ruined this earlier.” Being prone to jumping to conclusions is never an attractive quality, but it’s a hard habit to break. “You didn’t ruin anything. It’s still early and we can stay here as long as you want.” This was a side of Kyungil that he’d never seen before. Sometimes, he can’t believe that he has any more sides, but he’s glad to have the chance to keep discovering new things about him. “Do your high school friends know about this side of you?” he asks, only half-teasing. “Of course not. Only people like you get to see me like this.”

“People like me?” Yijeong whispers, suddenly feeling safe and quite sleepy tucked in Kyungil’s arms. “People who I want to wake up next to,” he clarifies and Yijeong’s heart melts. This is something new, a new beginning even though he was convinced it was going to be an ending. Moments like these are the kind he thought he’d never have a chance to have once he started training, so he decides he’s obligated to make the most of them. Not that it feels like an obligation; it feels like a goddamn miracle and all he can do is make the most of it while it lasts.

 


	7. seven

Yijeong steps out of the head director’s office and closes the door behind him before letting out a deep sigh. When he’d been called in for a meeting, he’d been certain they were going to drop him, end their contract, or at least give him a stern lecture about putting more effort into practicing. He certainly wasn’t expecting the words, “We’ve scheduled your debut as a solo artist,” to come out of the director’s mouth.

He should be happy. This is his dream, this is his goal, this is what he’s spent countless hours working toward. Instead of being excited, instead of wanting to scream the good news from the rooftops, all he really wants to do is curl up and cry. He’s been dreading this day for months because it means everything has to change, it means ending things with the person he’s in love with.

It’s inevitable, though they’ve kept it unspoken. Debuting means cutting out all distractions to focus on his career, especially distractions that could lead to the end of his career if anyone found out. Namely, Kyungil. It means ending things with Kyungil.

It’s not a situation he ever expected to be in when he started training. He never thought he’d consider giving up his prospect of a singing career for anything or anyone; it was something he couldn’t even imagine. But then he met Kyungil and literally everything changed. He’s standing at the biggest crossroads in his life so far and he wishes he didn’t have to choose, but he knows that was never going to be an option.

It’s not the type of news he wants to give over the phone, so he takes the bus across town to Kyungil’s apartment building.

“I’m debuting,” he says as soon as Kyungil opens the door. He was expecting him to be excited, but his expression remains stoic and Yijeong steps inside and takes off his shoes. “I’m happy for you,” Kyungil says finally. “Doesn’t really seem like it.” Yijeong sits down on the couch and Kyungil sighs. “I was just surprised. I’m trying to figure out what this all means.” Kyungil sits down next to Yijeong and rests a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry. I am happy for you. Really.”

“What are you so worried about? Do you think I’m not ready?” He’s trying not to get offended and jump to conclusions, but he never imagined that he’d get this kind of reaction to his dreams finally coming true. Especially from someone who he... cares about. “No, I’m selfish. I’m being selfish.”

“Are you jealous? You’re the one that decided to leave, you know. It’s your fault anyway. If you hadn’t taught me so well, I wouldn’t have ever debuted.” Kyungil shakes his head. “Not that. I’m just trying to figure out where we go from here. I mean, we can probably keep meeting up. I won’t see you as often as I do now but if we’re careful, we can probably keep seeing each other like this. Unless you think it’s too big of a risk. It could ruin your whole career if someone finds out about us.”

“I don’t want to keep hooking up.” Kyungil takes his hand back from Yijeong’s knee abruptly. “Oh. Right, it’s too much of a risk.” Yijeong reaches out to hold his hand, looking at him seriously. “That’s not what I mean.” Kyungil looks surprised, but probably not because he had no idea that this wasn’t just fun and games for Yijeong. Probably just because he’d never expected to hear him say it out loud. “That’s too much of a risk,” he responds after a moment. Yijeong nods. “But it’s what I want. What do you want?” Kyungil is silent for a long time and Yijeong becomes increasingly anxious as the silence drags on and on. “I told you. I’m not going to be the reason why you lose everything. If you don’t want to keep this casual, then we should stop seeing each other.”

“Just like that?” Yijeong lets go of his hand. “You probably won’t have enough time to see me anyway. It’s better if we stop now, before it gets any harder.” _If it gets any harder than this,_ Yijeong thinks, _I won’t be able to survive it._

“One date,” he says after a long silence. “Just go on one date with me, before I debut. If you really don’t feel anything after that, I’ll give up on this being anything more than casual. Deal?” Kyungil’s expression is hard to read and Yijeong’s unexpected confidence is wearing off quickly. “What if you don’t feel anything after?” he asks him softly. “Yeah, right,” Yijeong says, not sure whether or not he’s joking. “There are a lot of possible outcomes to us going on a real date, but that’s not one.”

“One date, then. Next weekend.” Yijeong doesn’t say anything, too stunned that he’s actually agreed. “But you asked me out, so you’re the one who has to plan it.” Yijeong smiles and nods. “I’ll take care of everything.”

“So, while I’m here...” he suggests after a moment as he leans in closer to Kyungil, but Kyungil backs away a little and shakes his head. “I may be the kind of person who kisses on a first date, but never before then.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and leans away from him. “That seems like a lie, but fine. You’d better prepare yourself though because I am an excellent planner.”

히스토리

Yijeong has classes and debut preparations all week long, but he keeps getting distracted by thoughts of his upcoming actually-for-real date with Kyungil and struggles to focus on his training. Again. Sometimes he can’t help but wonder how quickly he would have debuted if he hadn’t ended up at the same company as him, but then he remembers how bad he used to be at dancing and decides it wouldn’t have made any difference.

It’s not easy, trying to plan the Best Date Ever and foresee all possible complications, but he knows he shouldn’t be so intense about it. It’s not like he’s that naïve; he knows that there’s no way Kyungil will suddenly be open to a real relationship with him after one date. Especially since they wouldn’t be able to keep it up after he debuts. Still, he only gets one shot at this and there’s no way he’d waste an opportunity like that.

Eventually, he decides to keep it simple. Partly because he doesn’t have enough time to plan some grand gesture and also because he has no money to speak of and ends up getting a loan from one of his high school classmates, who only agrees after Yijeong swears on his favorite anime that he’s debuting for sure and that he’ll pay him back with his first real paycheck. So, dinner and a movie ending in a walk and a fireworks show over the river. Maybe it’s too simple, or too cliched, but he doesn’t care because it’s one of his oldest fantasies come true. Plus the imaginary guy of his fantasies had been a total squid compared to his date in reality, so this was bound to be way better than in his imagination, even if it was impossible for it to lead to a second date.

They decide to meet at the restaurant where Yijeong made a reservation, because there isn’t enough time for Yijeong to make it to Kyungil’s apartment. Of course, his classes run a little long and he gets called into the office right as he’s trying to leave and then he misses his bus by mere seconds. After a stressful bus ride and imagining that Kyungil will have left before he gets there, he finally arrives at the restaurant and spots Kyungil sitting at their table through the window.

“I thought you were actually gonna stand me up,” he tells Yijeong as soon as he sees him. “Didn’t you say something about being the superhero of planning?” Yijeong sits down and looks at him apologetically. “I got called into the lead office and missed my bus. I’m sorry.” Kyungil shakes his head. “It’s fine, I’m just joking. You’re not even that late. I’m starving though, so you’d better decide what you want before the waiter gets here or I’m ordering without you.” Yijeong picks up his menu and Kyungil smirks at him as he tries to focus on what he wants to order. “Get whatever you want, I’m paying,” Yijeong tells him as he scans over the menu. “Well, that goes without saying.”

They both eat a little too quickly so they won’t miss the movie, but it cuts into their time for conversation, which Yijeong is both disappointed about and grateful for. The last thing he wants is to say something stupid and jeopardize the only chance he may ever get at something like this. Once he debuts, if he actually gets popular the way he hopes, he’ll be watched more closely than ever before by his company and the general public and the time in his life for dating in public will probably be over. It’s not that he’s completely opposed to dating in private—he’s never been much for prying eyes and judging glances—but sometimes it’s nice to imagine a life where he gets to go out with the person he loves on a Saturday night without ever worrying about paparazzi or judgmental onlookers.

They make it into the movie theater with two drinks and a popcorn just before the previews start. They take their seats in the back row and Kyungil leans over to say, “Is this part of your plan to take advantage of me?” Yijeong shrugs. “Maybe.” It’s dark and the theater is almost completely empty, and he’s even more grateful for that when Kyungil slings an arm around his shoulder 15 minutes into the film. They’d been to movies before but it had always been weird and hesitant and one-sided to Yijeong, so this was already an improvement. Kyungil seemed fully devoted to the date concept and it had been giving him an unpleasant longing feeling all evening long, but he’s willing to put up with it so he can sit in a dark theater with his favorite person in the world and pretend to be normal for a couple of hours.

Kyungil stands up as soon as the credits start to roll and asks, “Do you want to go for a walk?” Yijeong stands up with the empty popcorn bucket and says, “You read my mind.” Kyungil chuckles. “That’s because you’re so damn predictable.”

“Are you complaining?” Yijeong asks, his voice steady but his heart slightly wounded. “Who, me? Never. I like walks.” Kyungil reaches over and runs his hand down Yijeong’s arm slowly. “Especially with you.” Yijeong shrugs him off and shakes his head. “You’re ridiculous. Let’s go.” It’s so frustrating how easy it still is for Kyungil to catch him off guard and make him just as nervous as he had when they’d first met.

Neither of them say much as they walk down the street toward the pedestrian bridge where they’ll be able to watch the fireworks. Yijeong’s not sure what Kyungil’s thinking, but all he can think about is how this is all about to end and how they might not be able to see each other at all after he debuts. It’s not that he actually wants to quit chasing his dreams right before the finish line, it’s just that he’s still not ready to give up on Kyungil and he’s not sure if there’s any possible way to have both a successful career in music and a relationship with him, but he’s going to keep looking.

Yijeong leans on the railing of the bridge and looks out at the water, knowing the fireworks will begin at any moment. After a moment, Kyungil leans on the railing next to him. “So...” he begins, but Yijeong stops him. “Don’t. Not yet. The date’s not over yet.” Kyungil stares at him for a moment before turning away and looking out at the water. Yijeong’s heart is beating fast and his emotions are swirling up inside of him and he’s not sure what he was thinking, suggesting something this final, giving Kyungil some kind of useless ultimatum.

Only a minute passes as Yijeong’s thoughts and worries fill his mind before the fireworks light up the night sky and pull his focus back to the present. He looks over at Kyungil, who’s staring up and watching the fireworks with a slight smile on his face. “I already know what you’re going to say. You don’t have to tell me we can’t have this for real. It’s not like I ever actually thought I could change your mind. I’m not stupid.” Kyungil looks over at him. “I have never called you stupid.” Yijeong sighs. “You don’t have to. I know you think I just don’t get it, or that I’m too optimistic about being famous or something, but I’m not.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” he says insistently. “Look, I already know what you’ll say if I ask if you’ll go out with me again, so I’m not asking. What I actually want to know is... do you feel anything? Even just a little, just something, buried somewhere deep, deep in your heart? Like if we lived in a world where I wasn’t going to be a celebrity and people weren’t always looking at us like they had the right to judge us... would you still feel nothing?” Tears spring to his eyes before he can stop them and he exhales deeply, looking away from Kyungil and back up at the fireworks exploding above their heads.

“There are reasons why we can’t date like normal people. Like, a lot of reasons. But not because I don’t feel anything for you. Okay? I’ve already told you that I feel something for you, so that’s not possibly one of the reasons. Understand?” Yijeong nods and wipes his eyes with his sleeve, composing himself quickly. “You have no idea how much I want to believe you.”

“Let me prove it to you.” Kyungil reaches over and pulls Yijeong’s hood up over his head. When he turns to look at him, Kyungil puts a hand on his waist and moves to stand in front of him. Yijeong’s back is against the railing and his heart is pounding hard in his chest as Kyungil moves in closer. “I felt something for you before I even really knew you and it’s never gone away. And I should have told you that a long, long time ago, but I didn’t want to make it any harder on you. I didn’t want to tell you that I really, really, really like you if it wasn’t going to change anything or if it was going to make you give up on your dreams. But I’m going to make up for it now because I feel like a total asshole for making you cry on our first date.” Yijeong laughs tearfully, not sure what to expect from him next. “Also because it’s true, okay? Not just because I feel guilty.” Yijeong nods and Kyungil takes a deep breath.

“Jang Yijeong,” he says, looking deep into Yijeong’s eyes. “I like you more today than I did yesterday, and I’ll probably like you more tomorrow than I do right now even though it seems impossible. And I could give you reasons why, but I probably couldn’t even think of the right ones and I’m not usually this sappy and pathetic when I like someone, but you’re not just someone. Even though it doesn’t change anything, I want you to know that.” Yijeong’s throat is tight and his eyes are cloudy with tears again, and he has no idea what to say. “Also, if you don’t stop me, I am going to kiss you right here and I don’t care who sees us because you spent your whole week planning this date with me and I don’t know how else to thank you.”

Kyungil’s face is lit by the lights on the bridge and the fireworks bursting in the sky and Yijeong doesn’t think he’s ever looked as beautiful as he does right now, or as earnest, or as precious. He reaches up to wrap his arms loosely around Kyungil’s neck and pulls him down so he can kiss him first. Fireworks continue to explode and rain down around them, but they hardly notice as the world around them disappears. For a moment, it doesn’t matter that this might be their first and last date. It doesn’t matter that someone might walk past and look at them disapprovingly. It doesn’t matter that they’re unlikely to end up together in the end, because they’re together right now.

 _And,_ Yijeong thinks, _that, in and of itself, is enough._

“I want to walk you home,” Yijeong says as they walk to Kyungil’s parked car, hand in hand. “Won’t you get in trouble for missing your curfew?”

“I don’t care. Besides, if I don’t do it now...” Kyungil squeezes his hand quickly. “Just this once,” he agrees. They finally reach the car and climb inside quickly. Kyungil cranks the heater on while Yijeong plugs in his phone and turns on a song. “This is what I wrote for my debut album. Can you tell me what you think?” Kyungil agrees and drives quietly while listening to Yijeong’s song that he had obviously written about him. “It’s good,” Kyungil begins as soon as the song finishes, “but your concept sounds a little too familiar to me for some reason.”

“People write what they know,” Yijeong says, slightly embarrassed. “Are you debuting with a ballad?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, that’s a dance track. This is just a b-side.”

“The bridge is kind of depressing, don’t you think?” _That’s because I wrote it when I was depressed,_ Yijeong thinks silently. “I think it’s realistic,” he says after a brief pause. “Reality is depressing.”

“I guess it’s my fault it came out like that,” Kyungil mutters softly. “If it was always happy, it wouldn’t be real.” _And God, I need this to be real._ “I guess.”

Kyungil parks in the parking garage underneath his apartment and Yijeong gets out of the car to walk him to the door. “So? How did I do?” he asks as Kyungil enters the key code to his apartment and the door clicks open. “Well, you don’t get any points for originality... but I got to do a lot of things I’d been wanting to do with you for a long time. So, I’d call it a success.”

“So... this is it,” Yijeong says as he rocks on his heels and bites his lip because he’s already cried once tonight. “Not... not forever, just... focus on making your debut. I’ll still be here.”

“Will you?” It’s useless to ask because he won’t believe the answer anyway, but maybe he needs to hear it anyway. “I will.” Yijeong crosses his arms tightly and looks down at the floor as he says, “What about that receptionist you work with? You know she likes you...” Kyungil shrugs. “She’s really not my type.” _Yeah, right,_ Yijeong thinks sarcastically. Kyungil puts his hands on his shoulders and Yijeong looks up at him. “You’re gonna make it. And I’ll be here, cheering you on from the sidelines.”

Kyungil leans in slowly to kiss Yijeong’s forehead as they stand in the hallway of his apartment building and Yijeong closes his eyes as his emotions bubble up again. “Good luck, kid.” Yijeong backs away slowly and Kyungil steps into his apartment, but he can’t leave until he asks one last question. “If I wasn’t debuting?” Kyungil steps back into the doorway. “If I was just a normal person and not a trainee and I asked you for a second date... what would you say?” Kyungil leans against the door frame and looks at him for a moment before he answers. “I’d say... how about right now?”

“I should have never become a trainee,” Yijeong says, because he wants a second date more than anything right now. “Then we might not have met yet,” Kyungil reminds him. _Maybe that would be preferable to this after all,_ he thinks. _I wouldn’t know the difference._ “I’ll see you around.”

Kyungil closes the door slowly and Yijeong turns to walk away. It doesn’t feel like a new beginning; it feels like his whole life is ending. This is his dream, isn’t it? This was supposed to make him happy, wasn’t it? Instead of feeling like he’s reached his goal, like his hard work and sacrifice has finally paid off, he can feel himself falling apart one piece at a time and there doesn't seem to be anything he can do to make it stop.

 


	8. eight

As an attempt to cope with his mixed emotions, Yijeong throws himself into practice as a distraction. If he’s really doing this, if he’s really reaching his goal of debuting, then he decides he has to give it his all. His coaches are pleased with the effort and it’s helping him to keep his mind off of all of the sacrifices he’s making, it’s helping him to fall asleep at night because he’s so exhausted. He has songs to record and choreography to practice and a music video to film, so there’s no time left over to think about his family or Kyungil or anything else.

Until they give him a release date for his mini-album, that is. That’s all it takes to make it real and overwhelming. Now it feels like a countdown to the end of his life as Jang Yijeong, the average 21 year old, and he’s unable to distract himself, he can’t think about anything else.

He asks his manager if he can spend one last night with his mom before his debut schedule begins and he’s granted permission. He knows he should stop lying, but if he doesn’t do this now, he’ll probably never have another chance. He packs up his things and he gets on a bus and hopes that he won’t be rejected. He supposes he can always go stay with his mom if it doesn’t work out. That should make him feel better, but he’s not sure if it’s working because he’s a giant ball of nerves.

He takes a deep breath before he rings Kyungil’s apartment. He can’t keep showing up without asking first; eventually Kyungil will get annoyed and tell him go away but the date for his debut is set for next week and he figures if he doesn’t try to see him one last time, he might never see him again. He doesn’t want to waste his last moments as a normal person; he knows his life is about to get even more complicated.

Kyungil’s face appears on the screen a moment later and he looks a little surprised, but he opens the door immediately and Yijeong takes the elevator up to his floor. Kyungil opens the door before he can knock and invites him inside.

“Is everything okay?” he asks as Yijeong takes off his shoes in the entryway. “One last time,” Yijeong says as he looks up at him desperately. “I’m debuting next week and I just can’t... lose you like this.” Kyungil’s eyes soften and he pulls Yijeong into a hug. Yijeong snuggles into the fabric of his hoodie and wraps his arms around Kyungil tightly in return. “Who said you’re gonna lose me?” _You did,_ he thinks, _when you didn’t invite me in last time._ “It’s all just so complicated,” he mumbles into Kyungil’s hoodie. “Does your manager know you’re here?”

“He thinks I’m with my mom since I don’t know how much time I’ll have to see her after next week.” Kyungil sighs. “You’re still lying to the company?” Yijeong lets his arms drop and steps back out of Kyungil’s embrace. “This is the last time. After next week, I won’t lie to them and I won’t show up asking you for anything. Okay? So just... for just tonight can I just... pretend? Pretend we’re normal?” _Pretend you feel as much for me as I do for you?_

Kyungil looks at him, conflicted over how to keep from hurting him, but it’s far too late to bother with that. “I’m scared about debuting, I’m scared I’m not good enough and I’m scared... I’m scared that I’m gonna lose you forever so can you just... one last time... please?” He feels pathetic for asking so many times and he’s about three sentences from bursting into tears, but relief washes over him as Kyungil smiles gently and leans down to kiss the top of his head. “Of course. Of course, don’t cry, okay? I feel miserable when you cry because of me.”

Yijeong takes a deep breath and pulls Kyungil down into a fiery kiss because he just wants his brain to shut up already. Kyungil chuckles, pulling away slightly to say, “Wow, you don’t waste any time!” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “What, do you need more time? Cause usually...”

“No, I’m good. You’re just so forward today. It must be because you’re a celebrity now,” he teases. Yijeong shoves against his shoulder quickly. “Shut up and kiss me already,” he commands. “Oh, I think I’m gonna like celebrity-you a lot,” Kyungil adds before leaning down to kiss him, resting his hands on Yijeong’s hips as he drags him closer.

히스토리

Yijeong was hoping he’d be able to sleep if he was in Kyungil’s bed, but even that isn’t enough to quiet his thoughts tonight. He’s been staring up at the ceiling for thirty minutes, but he’s still unable to fall asleep as his mind races. Kyungil rolls over and notices that he’s awake, and reaches out to hold his hand gently. “You’re still awake? You must be really stressed out.” His voice sounds sleepy and relaxed as he squeezes Yijeong’s hand and releases it a couple of times. “It’s all going so fast, you know? And I mean, I’m not even going to have a group to promote with, I’m going to be all by myself.” His thoughts spill out quickly as Kyungil looks at him and holds his hand. “What if I... suck? Or what if I don’t suck but nobody likes me anyway?”

“You’re not gonna suck. Trust me. You’re as ready as you’ll ever be to perform, the rest of it you’ll have to learn from experience. And how could no one like you? Everyone likes you. I like you.” Yijeong closes his eyes tightly for a second before rolling his head to the side so he can look at Kyungil. “That’s different. You don’t like me because of my voice or my music.”

“Why do I like you, then?” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “You tell me.” Kyungil chuckles softly. “What’s not to like? You’re talented and cute and you like me. And, I mean, sometimes you show up out of the blue and want to hook up with me, so that’s pretty cool too.” Yijeong scoffs. “Whatever. I’m never gonna hook up with my fans so I think your argument is invalid.”

“The company wouldn’t debut you as a solo if they thought you didn’t stand a chance on your own. They believe in you and I believe in you, so if you can start believing in yourself, then I don’t think you can fail. Seriously.” Yijeong sniffles quietly, emotions building back up again. “What am I gonna do without you?” Yijeong asks rhetorically, but Kyungil smiles. “You’re gonna take over the world.”

히스토리

Yijeong wakes up with a bit of a headache as the sun beams through Kyungil’s bedroom window. He opens his eyes, squinting as he looks around and tries to figure out what time it is. Kyungil’s not in bed next to him, but he knows that just means he’s up already and cooking in the kitchen. His stomach is all tied in knots from the stress and emotions, so he probably won’t be able to eat anything.

He puts on the spare clothes that he’d brought with him quickly, tries to tidy up his hair and walks from the bedroom to the kitchen. Kyungil’s hair is messy and he’s focused on preparing coffee, but he looks up when he hears Yijeong and smiles sleepily. “I was gonna bring this to you,” he says, his voice still half-asleep. “That’s okay.” Kyungil shakes his head. “Go sit down. It’ll be done in a minute.”

After a bit, Kyungil brings over two cups of coffee and hands one to Yijeong before he sits down. He stares off into space as he sips at his coffee, even though he can feel Kyungil’s eyes on him. “Is there anything else you want before...” he trails off and Yijeong finally turns to look at him. “I want time to stop. Just for a little while.” The edges of Kyungil’s mouth drop down slightly. “I would if I could, but I don’t have powers like those superheroes you like.”

“I know. I just... it’s all just so fast. I’ve wanted this for so long but now...” Yijeong shakes his head. “You know what I want? I don’t want to have to forget you after I debut.” Maybe that’s not the truth, maybe the truth is something more like, _I don’t want you to forget me._ “You don’t,” he says, “you don’t have to forget.”

Time passes quickly as they sit on the couch and Yijeong starts to feel more and more miserable as time goes by. They don’t say much as they finish off the rest of their coffee. After a little while, Kyungil gets a text from his manager and knows it’s time to go. He stands up from the couch and makes sure that he brings all of his things with him, head hung low as he wanders around the apartment.

Kyungil walks him to the door as he puts on his shoes and tries not to cry because it’s really the last time this time. “It’s not goodbye forever,” Kyungil reminds him, “it’s just goodbye for now.” Yijeong nods. “Can we just... not say goodbye at all?” Kyungil agrees. “See you later,” he tries and Yijeong smiles, pushing down all of his emotions. “See you later.”

He manages not to cry until he sits down on the bus to go back to the company. He sobs silently in the back of the bus, tears running down his face. Maybe he shouldn’t have done it. Maybe it was wrong to want to spend one last time together. It’s not that he regrets it, exactly, but now he knows that sort of thing only makes it harder to move on. Not that he’s planning on actually moving on. Not unless Kyungil does it first. Probably not even then.

This is the price of potential fame. This is just one of the many things he has to sacrifice just to have a shot at making it big doing something that he’s passionate about. He never questioned it before, but he’s starting to wonder if it’s actually worth it after all. He has to try. He’s made it this far; it would be idiotic to quit right before the finish line. Still, he’s starting to wonder how many more tears he’ll have to shed on his way to the top.

If anyone at the company notices that he’s a disaster, they don’t show it. They probably think he just misses his mom. They’re not totally wrong, it just that there’s someone else that he already misses more.

히스토리

His debut goes off without a hitch. The song is well received, the music video racks up a million views before too long and he starts making appearances on tv and building a small fan base. The company is pleasantly surprised; Yijeong is exhausted. The company moves him into a small apartment to accommodate his schedule and it’s not big, but it’s clean and nothing leaks so he’s satisfied. He hardly spends any time there anyway.

He gets to know his manager pretty well as he picks him up and drops him off from schedules. It’s kind of nice to have someone to talk to, even if he can’t talk about anything too real or controversial.

One night, a few weeks after he debuts, he gets a text from Kyungil, showing off the fact that he’d voted for him on a music broadcast. Yijeong texts back, “You know I wasn’t nominated for first place, right?” The reply comes in less than a minute later. “You’re first place in my heart,” it reads and Yijeong almost throws his phone down, cringing at his ridiculous... whatever he is. “You’re an idiot,” he texts back. “Who’s going to say cheesy things to you if not me? What would you do without me?...”

He misses him so much it hurts. Staying in contact like this shouldn’t make it harder, but it totally does. He’s tired and lonely and finally achieving his dreams shouldn’t seem like a bad thing, but it’s not working out the way he planned.

“Your stage costume is hot, by the way,” the next message reads and Yijeong almost chokes. “What are you talking about?” he replies. “I’ve never seen a ballad singer in such tight leather pants.” It’s definitely a lie, but Yijeong feels strangely flattered anyway. Flattered, but mostly embarrassed. “Thank your stylist for me.”

“Is that the only reason why you voted for me?” Yijeong texts back, even though he already knows the answer. “Well, I mean, it didn’t hurt...” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “Stop texting me, I have to practice.”

“Work hard,” Kyungil texts back and Yijeong stands back up in the practice room and focuses on his reflection in the mirror. All things considered, his debut is going well and the company seems pleased, but he still feels like something’s missing and he knows exactly what it is.

 


	9. nine

It’s been a full day of album promotions and fan interactions and Yijeong’s about thirty seconds from falling asleep when his phone starts to vibrate insistently on his bedside table. He grabs his phones and squints at the screen to read the caller ID. It says “Kyungil-ie hyung” and he sits up quickly and clears his throat before answering the phone. “Did I wake you?” Kyungil asks before he can even say hello. “No, I was just about to go to sleep. Is everything okay?”

“I can’t sleep. I thought you might be able to share some of your exhaustion over the phone.” Yijeong smiles slowly. “Worth a try, I guess. So, how was work?”

“It was work. You?” Yijeong lays down on his side and responds quietly. “I met a lot of fans today. I’ve got more than I thought.”

“Girls or boys?” Kyungil asks, with a bit of an edge to his voice. “Girls. Jealous?” Yijeong teases. “Not really.” He chuckles. “So, why can’t you sleep?”

“I’m lonely,” he admits. After a pause, he adds, “I guess I shouldn’t say that to you. I didn’t call to make you feel guilty, I swear. I didn’t... think about how hard I’d be making it for you. I shouldn’t have called.” Yijeong panics a little as he replies, “No, don’t hang up. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? It’s not... too hard to talk to me?” Yijeong shakes his head even though Kyungil can’t see him. “I want to talk to you. I’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this industry stuff. You’re my only friend who knows how this all works. Nobody else gets it.”

“I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. All I know about the music industry is how to be a trainee forever and then give up.” Kyungil sounds so defeated that Yijeong’s heart aches. “You’re always such a downer at night,” he complains. “And you and I both know that’s not all you know. You’ve seen all the rise and falls, you’ve seen the rookies that burn out after their first year, you’re the only one who gets it.” Silence falls over them for a moment until Yijeong decides he should break it. “Did something happen at work? What’s going on? You don’t seem like yourself.”

“Don’t worry about me, okay? It’s a waste of time. I’m fine, I just... I fucking _miss_ you.” Yijeong’s breath catches at the unexpected response. “You do?”

“You don’t?” he counters and Yijeong shakes his head again. “No, of course I do. Just... I thought I was the only one.” He’s far too tired to lie and he doesn’t want to keep lying to Kyungil; he always sees through him in the end anyway. “I miss you more,” Kyungil says and Yijeong replies, “That’s not possible.” Something about the way they say ‘I miss you’ sounds strangely like ‘I love you’, and Yijeong figures that’s probably the reason why his chest hurts so badly. If this goes on much longer, his heart might actually stop altogether. “I’m telling you, it is absolutely possible.” Yijeong can’t respond to that because tears are welling up in his eyes and he’s focusing all of his energy on not crying. “I should let you go to sleep. You’ve had a really long day. Or week. Or whatever.”

“Do you feel... any better? Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?” Yijeong asks, his voice unsteady. “To be honest, I think I feel worse,” Kyungil tells him softly, “but it’s okay as long as you don’t feel worse. Do you?” Yijeong rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. “No,” he lies, “I’m fine.”

“Liar,” Kyungil mutters. “It’s not your fault. I’m... glad you called. I want... wanted to hear your voice.” A stray tear escapes down his cheek and he rubs at his eyes harshly. “I don’t think phone calls are the answer,” Kyungil decides. “Maybe text messages are better for now.” Yijeong sniffles softly. “No, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“That’s great, but I’m not. I’m miserable and hearing your voice makes it even harder for me.” It’s honest enough that Yijeong starts to wonder if he’s been drinking, if he’s really miserable enough to get drunk alone on a weeknight. “Are you safe? Are you at home or...”

“Yeah, I’m home,” Kyungil interrupts. “Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed. You should get some sleep before your showcase.” Yijeong nods. “I miss you,” Kyungil adds. “Goodnight.” Yijeong blinks back tears quickly. “I miss you too. Goodnight.” He lets Kyungil hang up first because sleep is now the last thing on his mind. Exhaustion will eventually overtake him, but he spends the next several minutes letting tears roll down his face silently and resisting the urge to catch a midnight bus across town.

It’s only been a few months, but that’s long enough to know that debuting is hard and never sleeping is hard and being watched too closely is hard. Even so, he’d choose all of that over this hopeless feeling deep inside of his heart every single time.

히스토리

Yijeong is in the middle of performing the ballad he’d written when he sees him, Kyungil, standing off to the side of the stage and watching him with a proud expression. Yijeong nearly falters while singing; almost botches a high note in the bridge. He had no idea he was coming, he had never even considered the possibility. He also doesn’t know why he’s shown up so suddenly and his mind fills with questions that he has to block out so he can finish the showcase without too many noticeable mistakes. He bows to the audience as the showcase ends and he loses sight of Kyungil when he comes back up.

As he walks off the stage, his manager motions for him to come closer and says, “There’s someone waiting for you in your dressing room.” Yijeong thanks him before he walks down the hall. He takes a second to compose himself before he opens the door to his dressing room and steps inside.

Kyungil’s waiting for him, as his manager said he would be, leaning against the wall next to the couch. Yijeong had almost forgotten just how attractive he was and barely resists the urge to shove him up against the wall immediately. “Were you surprised?” he asks. “I told your manager not to tell you...”

“I was surprised. Didn’t you hear me screw up that note after I saw you?” Yijeong complains. “Didn’t notice. You sounded great.” He tries not to be flattered but that’s not as easy as it used to be. It’s been so long since he last saw him and his heart is aching because he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act or what he’s allowed to do. “So? Is it everything you dreamed it would be?”

“It’s more exhausting, I feel like all of the training was hardly a warm-up for the real thing, but it’s better like this.” Kyungil nods slowly and looks at him like this is a normal occurrence like it hasn’t been almost a month since they stopped doing... whatever had been going on between the two of them. “What did you think of the choreography?” Yijeong can’t help but ask. “I’ve come a long way, right?”

“You looked great, really, but don’t you think that it’s a bit... much? I know you’re trying to make an impression, but...” Yijeong raises an eyebrow. “Are you... jealous right now?” There is a part of the dance routine where the backup dancers all converge on Yijeong and touch him as he moves across the stage, but it could hardly be considered scandalous in this century. “What? I’m just looking out for you.”

“They’re just backup dancers,” Yijeong explains though there’s hardly any reason to explain himself to Kyungil, especially now. “If you hadn’t left the company, it could have been you.” Now, that one he regrets. “I shouldn’t...”

“No, it’s fine,” Kyungil tells him and it seems like he means it. “So, it seems like everything is going the way you planned.” Yijeong thinks for a moment before nodding affirmatively. “Almost everything.” Then, because he’s either feeling dumb or reckless, or perhaps both, he asks, “Do you want to help me with another one of my dreams?” Kyungil’s probably confused, but he doesn’t let on as he agrees easily. “Okay, come with me.”

Kyungil follows as Yijeong crosses the dressing room, opens the door to the closet in the back and steps inside. Once he closes the door behind him, Kyungil asks, “What kind of dream are we talking here?” Yijeong loses his nerve suddenly and looks down at the floor. “Waiting around backstage is kind of boring and I’ve been dreaming of ways to kill time before shows...”

“You’ve been dreaming about hanging out in the closet?” Yijeong’s pretty sure Kyungil knows where he’s going with this, but he’ll pretend like he doesn’t so Yijeong has to embarrass himself explaining his stupid fantasies. “With you. I’ve been dreaming about being in here with you.” He’s not sure whether or not that will be enough, but the change in Kyungil’s demeanor is promising. “You want me to help you kill time? But the showcase is over.”

“So?” Yijeong crosses his arms. “Look, I don’t know what we are right now or what we used to be, I just want this.” _You._ “But only if you want this.” _Me._ Kyungil makes him wait anxiously for a few miserable seconds before he reaches over to lock the closet door. “I want this,” he says as he takes a couple of steps toward Yijeong. “This?” Yijeong asks and his heartbeat quickens. “You.”

Yijeong doesn’t have time to react to that because about half a second later, Kyungil’s kissing him slowly and purposefully and while he could be thinking about what this means for them or if this could be a terrible mistake or if they’ll get caught, all he can think about is how to get even _closer_.

Time ticks by and Yijeong knows his manager will be in to tell him it’s time to leave soon, but he can’t bear to stop because he hasn’t had any time for things like this since he debuted and the reality is so much better than the fantasies he’d been having about this closet all day.

Kyungil’s the one to finally pull away, as he usually is, and Yijeong notices that his hair looks like a total disaster after their impromptu make-out session in the closet. He can’t help but chuckle as he reaches up to fix his hair until he stops because of the look in Kyungil’s eyes. His first thought is, _Is he having second thoughts?_ , but it’s obvious that he’s reading him wrong when Kyungil asks, “Do you want to come home with me?” Yijeong clears his throat abruptly because he’s not sure what’s happening right now, but Kyungil takes it as an objection. “Will that get you in trouble? I don’t know how strict they’re being on you...”

“I don’t have a fixed schedule tomorrow. I can talk to my manager and see if I can make it work.” All of the tension leaves Kyungil’s expression and he smiles widely as he leans in to kiss Yijeong again quickly. “I missed you so bad,” Kyungil says against his lips and now Yijeong finally relaxes and pushes him away playfully. “I have to change. I’ll get my manager to drop me off at your place when I’m done. Okay?” Kyungil’s still grinning and Yijeong’s not sure why he’s acting so differently than he had the night before on the phone, but he’s definitely not going to complain and spoil everything.

“Text me if it’s not going to work out. Don’t get my hopes up.” Yijeong shakes his head. “Nobody even knows who I am yet and my manager trusts me way too much. It’ll work out.” Kyungil unlocks the door and leans in for one last kiss before Yijeong can react. “I’ll see you in a bit, then.”

Kyungil leaves the dressing room just before Yijeong’s manager walks in. “Why aren’t you changed yet?” he asks, obviously tired. “I got distracted. Hey, my schedule’s free tomorrow, right?”

“Well, you have dance practice and a company dinner in the evening.” He can tell his manager knows something’s up, but he’s probably not sure what yet. “So, if I asked you to drop me off at a friend’s house?”

“Is this friend a girl?” his manager asks. With a grin, Yijeong replies, “Absolutely not.” Despite his answer, his manager doesn’t look happy. “I will pick you up at 11am sharp. And you can’t leave the apartment for any reason. I don’t want to risk reporters or fans digging around. Understand?” Yijeong agrees wholeheartedly and his manager sighs. “If I get in trouble with the company for this, I’m never letting you leave my sight again and I’m sure you don’t want that, so don’t let them find out.”

The lecture continues as his manager drives him across town to Kyungil’s apartment and Yijeong eventually blocks him out. Finally, they arrive and Yijeong opens his door but not before his manager can remind him, “You only get one strike, don’t screw it up.” Yijeong thanks him happily and walks to the door to ring Kyungil’s apartment.

Kyungil answers the door before Yijeong can even make it up the stairs, smiling at him in a way that takes his breath away. He’ll never understand how Kyungil manages to look more beautiful every time he sees him. He supposes the fact that there’s now a specific smile he saves for him might have something to do with it.

“You must be exhausted,” Kyungil says as they walk into his apartment. “Haven’t you been up early and to bed late all week?” Yijeong shrugs and sits down on the couch, leaning back and taking up more space than necessary. “I’m tired, but I chose this.”

“Worth it?” Kyungil asks as he sits down next to him. “So far, yeah. I’ve already sold more than the company expected and the crowds have been decently sized. Here’s hoping I don’t screw it all up.” Kyungil frowns. “That’s not gonna happen.” He pauses for a moment, looking at him, concern furrowing his brow. “Wait, unless you mean... us. Us being... us could screw it up.” Yijeong shakes his head harshly and turns to face Kyungil, folding up his legs beneath him. “Not us. Me. I could screw it up. We’re... good. We’re just... us.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Kyungil replies, glancing around, resisting eye contact, “you’re hanging out with all these celebrities now. Maybe you met some hot, rich, famous guy and you just want to let me down easy.” Yijeong leans forward and rests his arms around Kyungil’s shoulders, threading his fingers through his hair. “That is one thing you’ll never have to worry about.” Kyungil smirks slightly. “Oh, really? Can you really be so sure?” Yijeong nods stubbornly. “How?”

“Because compared to you...” Yijeong trails off, worried that he’ll regret this kind of honesty later. Maybe it’s just because of the sleep deprivation. “Compared to me,” Kyungil repeats, “what?”

“Compared to you, they’re nothing special,” he says softly and Kyungil’s smirk fades. “Does that make me a successful fan?” He’s never referred to himself as Yijeong’s fan before and the words have a definite effect on Yijeong as his chest tightens up. “I guess we’ll see,” he replies, his voice shaky. “Well, won’t your other fans be jealous?”

“What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em,” he says stubbornly. “Now, as you pointed out, I’ve been awake for almost an entire day, so if you’re gonna do something, you should do it now.” Kyungil’s smirk returns quickly. “Do something like what?”

“What a successful fan would do,” Yijeong replies, not missing a beat, leaning in to kiss him chastely. “You think that’s why I asked you to come over?” Kyungil says, mock offended. “Is there some other reason to ask me to stay over?”

“Probably, but I definitely shouldn’t waste time trying to find it,” he concludes as he leans back in to kiss Yijeong again, and then again before he leads him across the living room and into his bedroom by the hand.

If Yijeong was still questioning whether or not Kyungil had been missing him as much as he claimed, he certainly isn’t anymore because the look in Kyungil’s eyes when he looks at him tells him more than words ever could.

히스토리

“What do you think it would have been like if we hadn’t met as trainees?” Yijeong asks later, in a moonlit room with Kyungil’s arm slung across his waist. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you were a hot 26-year-old dance teacher and I was a poor 20-year-old college student working a part-time job at a convenience store when we met, what would have happened between us?” Silence follows the question and Yijeong’s not sure why he’s taking so long to respond. He adds, “If you hadn’t been forced to teach me, would you have even noticed me at all? I know I would’ve noticed you, but I think it’s impossible not to notice you, so it’s not worth mentioning.”

“I definitely would have thought you were cute. But I don’t know if it would’ve gone beyond that.” Yijeong swallows hard. “You wouldn’t have asked me for my number or anything?” Kyungil sighs softly and slowly slides his hand up and down Yijeong’s back as he decides how to answer. “I honestly don’t know. Would you have asked me for my number?”

“Probably not. So I guess it’s a good thing we met as trainees because we would have never been together otherwise.” He pauses for a moment before continuing, “Why wouldn’t you like me as a part-timer?” Kyungil kisses his forehead gently before answering. “I just don’t think I would have taken the time to get to know you if we hadn’t been training together. I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight, you know, so if you were just a part-timer I saw a few times, my feelings would have only been superficial and I don’t think I would have felt the need to get to know you better.” He can’t really process Kyungil’s response because the ‘L’ word just came out of his mouth and Yijeong’s heart is racing.

Kyungil starts to worry because he isn’t responding, so he tells him, “I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted, I just honestly think I wouldn’t have realized what I’d be missing by not asking you for your number. I guess I’m glad we met as trainees too because it would have been a total waste if I’d missed out on you.”

“It happened at first sight for me,” Yijeong says after a few more seconds of silence. “But you still wouldn’t have asked me for my number if we’d met a different way? Why not?”

“Because it would be too big of a risk. I wouldn’t even dream of someone like you giving me your number.” Kyungil snuggles closer to Yijeong, obviously growing sleepy. “So, I guess we both would have missed out on a lot if we hadn’t become trainees. Does that... make it worth it for you? Even though it’s nowhere near ideal?” Yijeong nods silently, closing his eyes and relishing the feeling of Kyungil wrapped around him. “Me too,” Kyungil agrees. “Now, are we done talking about the depressing lives where we didn’t get to be together?” Yijeong nods, even though he knows that this life is teetering on the edge of becoming one of those lives.

 


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (warning for discussion of homophobic parent(s))

Yijeong wakes up too early the next morning in Kyungil’s arms and he almost tears up from the bittersweet emotions mixing inside of him. He was convinced he’d have to give this up in order to follow his dreams, but the longer he got away with having both, the more anxious he felt about getting caught and losing his dream and Kyungil in one fell swoop. It didn't use to be a chance he was willing to take, but that's changed. He manages to keep his emotions at bay and falls back asleep after a short struggle.

The next time he wakes up, Kyungil’s gone and it’s a much more reasonable time to get up. He takes his time, taming his bedhead and picking through Kyungil’s dresser drawers before changing into his clothes and walking out to the living room.

Kyungil hears the bedroom door open and looks up at him from the kitchen. “What?” Yijeong says innocently as Kyungil’s eyes rove over him. “You’re wearing my clothes.” Yijeong scoffs. “Yeah. Is that a problem?” Kyungil walks toward him slowly, a glint in his eye. “I want to take them all off of you.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and cross his arms protectively. “Well, if you didn’t want me wearing your clothes, you shouldn’t have popped all the buttons off of mine,” he reminds him. Kyungil stops a few inches from his face, shaking his head slightly. “I definitely don’t mean that the way you’re thinking.” Realization washes over Yijeong quickly as Kyungil leans down to kiss him enthusiastically. “I should’ve done this a long time ago,” Yijeong mutters against Kyungil’s lips.

After a brief make-out session, Yijeong’s stomach starts to growl from hunger so they end up eating breakfast on the couch and watching a morning show, and it kind of makes Yijeong feel weird because it’s too damn _normal_. “Can I ask you something?” Kyungil requests, sipping slowly at his coffee and ignoring his plate of food. “Of course.”

“Remember when you told me your last boyfriend almost ruined your life?” Yijeong nods, recalling their conversation the first time he visited this apartment. It feels like a lifetime ago, if he’s being honest. They’ve come so far since then, in both good and bad ways. “What exactly did you mean by that?”

“It’s a long story, but basically we dated for like four months. Nobody knew about it, we kept it hidden because... you know. Anyway, when we broke up, he was really angry about it and he wanted... I don’t know... revenge, I guess.” Kyungil’s expression changes and he furrows his brow tightly. “Did he hurt you?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, nothing like that. Not his style, because his style turned out to be... outing me to my dad.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.” Kyungil’s expression changes again, this time a look of pity spreading across his features. Yijeong can’t take it so he turns away from him and looks down into his coffee mug. “He didn’t hurt me either, if that’s what you’re thinking, but he did tell me to leave. The ‘don’t come back’ was implied. I haven’t actually talked to him since. I still see my mom pretty regularly but my dad... kind of erased me, I guess? I have a couple of siblings so it’s probably not much of a loss for him.”

“That’s... I’m so sorry.” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, it’s just... my dad was against my career choice, that’s why I started training so late. I figured, if he was going to ignore my existence then I should at least follow my dreams. Even just to piss him off.” Yijeong takes a sip of his coffee and Kyungil reaches out to hold his hand. “But I guess my ex kind of did me a favor, you know?” Kyungil’s confusion is evident as Yijeong smiles softly. “If he hadn’t done it, I would have never become a trainee and I never would have met you. You would have been a hot dance teacher and I would have been an awkward part timer and you wouldn’t have even noticed me.”

“Or maybe not,” Kyungil counters strongly, setting his coffee down. “What do you mean?” Kyungil turns to him, still holding one of his hands. “Look, it’s not like I believe in fate or destiny or whatever but... I still think we would have met. Maybe through one of our friends. Maybe we would have ridden the same train to work. Maybe someone would have set us up for a blind date or maybe you would’ve signed up for dance lessons.” Yijeong laughs gleefully. “Okay, that one never would have happened.” Kyungil pouts, defeated. “Fine. Whatever. All I’m saying is... no, I wouldn’t have asked you for your number at first sight, but that doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t have gotten to know each other. It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have...”

“Hooked up?” Yijeong supplies and Kyungil’s frown deepens. “Do you really still think that’s all this is?” Yijeong shrugs. “I don’t know. Kind of?” Kyungil lets go of his hand and turns away from him. “I even made you breakfast. What a waste.” Yijeong chuckles and Kyungil crosses his arms. “You are the most pouty twenty-seven-year-old I’ve ever met.”

“You’re mean.” Kyungil unfolds his arms and puts them around Yijeong loosely. “Thank you. For telling me.”

“You know,” Yijeong begins, “I have an apartment all to myself now. You should come over and see it sometime.” Kyungil’s expression changes slightly, his smile fading. “Don’t you think that would look suspicious?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No one’s really following me around yet anyway. Besides, what are they gonna think? I’m allowed to have a friend over during my free time.”

“What about the company? Your manager? Someone’s bound to get suspicious.” Yijeong shakes Kyungil’s arms from his shoulders abruptly. “So what? It’s not like we’re breaking the law. There’s nothing in my contract about dating because they know that’s where all good songs come from. We aren’t doing anything wrong. I know we can’t be totally obvious about it, but we don’t have to totally sneak around either.”

“I don’t want to jeopardize your career, okay? I know how hard you’ve worked, I know how much you’ve given up and I tried. I tried to stay away from you but I guess I’m just too goddamn selfish.” He stands up angrily and carries their dirty mugs to the sink. Yijeong waits for a moment before following him into the kitchen. He watches as he washes the dishes in the sink, standing a few feet away from him, his elbows resting on the island.

“I’m the selfish one, okay? But I want a relationship with you and my career. I want both,” he tells him firmly. “You can have both, so why can’t I?“ Kyungil sighs, rinsing off a plate and placing it on the drying rack. “That’s different and you know it.” He turns the water off and returns to scrubbing dishes before adding, “Do you even realize how risky a relationship would be for you? Besides, it’s not like calling you my boyfriend changes anything. We still can’t date in public and we still can’t be a normal couple. You can call this whatever you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that we still have to sneak around and lie and go weeks without seeing each other.” Yijeong nods slowly. “I know. I know, you’re right. But I don’t want things to change.”

“You don’t?” Kyungil asks, eyebrows raising in confusion. “No. I just want be your boyfriend.” He thought it was obvious, but somehow Kyungil seems caught off guard, his mouth slightly open. “Oh,” he says after a few seconds of silence. “Is it really that surprising?” Yijeong looks away from him because he feels like he’s done something wrong, like he’s been misreading this entire situation. “If you wanted me to call you my boyfriend, you should’ve just asked.”

“I’m asking now,” he points out. “I’m older than you, you know. I’m supposed to take care of you, not make things harder.” Yijeong sighs softly. “What’s hard is not getting to be with you. I can’t give you up either. I know it’s not the safest move, but I don’t care. If I don’t get to be with you, then what’s the point?” Kyungil turns around slowly, drying his hands with a dish towel. “As long as we keep our hands off each other in public, no one is going to think we’re together. Even if they do, it’ll just be a rumor and everyone will move on as soon as the next scandal breaks.”

“Are you sure you can keep your hands off me?” Kyungil asks, his tone finally brightening. “I mean it won’t be easy, that’s for sure.” Kyungil moves closer to him. “If you don’t want to come to my place, you don’t have to. I don’t want to stress you out.”

“I want to, just... give me some time to sort all of this out, okay?” Yijeong nods in agreement. “No takebacks,” he says stubbornly, reaching out to hold Kyungil’s hands. “What do you mean?” Yijeong grins widely. “You said I’m your boyfriend now, so no takebacks.” Kyungil chuckles and shakes his head. “Stubborn _and_ childish. I don’t even know what I see in you,” he jokes and Yijeong hits his arm playfully. “Whatever. We both know you like that about me.” Yijeong’s not sure if he agrees or if he’s just given up on arguing for now, but he doesn’t really care as Kyungil leans down to kiss him and wraps him in his arms.

히스토리

Yijeong keeps getting busier and busier and sleeping less and less. It almost feels like he’s in a long-distance relationship because he only gets to see Kyungil once or twice a month. It’s definitely taking a toll on him. He just wants a vacation, but those are increasingly hard to come by. He can’t risk everyone forgetting about him; he’s finally building up a public image. He’s even been on a couple of talk shows.

When he does manage to spend a night with Kyungil, he can’t really focus because he can only think about practicing and his upcoming schedules. Today, it’s his new choreography. He just can’t stop worrying about it, so when Kyungil leaves the room to take a shower, he watches the videos of himself practicing over and over again, trying to figure out what he’s missing, why it just isn’t working.

When Kyungil comes out of the bathroom, Yijeong startles and turns off his phone. Kyungil smirks as he walks toward the couch. “What are you watching without me? Anything good?” Yijeong shakes his head. “It’s nothing,” he says defensively. “Then why are you hiding it from me?” Kyungil sits down next to him and Yijeong sighs.

“It’s a practice video of my new choreography. I’m just trying to figure out how to fix it, but I know I shouldn’t be wasting our time together working.” Kyungil crosses his arms loosely. “Why didn’t you ask me for help? Is it too complicated for me?” Yijeong’s pretty sure he’s joking, but something about his tone feels too real. “No, I just... I didn’t want you to feel like I was bragging because I debuted and you...”

“Quit?” Kyungil finishes harshly. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” Kyungil uncrosses his arms and ruffles Yijeong’s hair. “Do you still think I’m that sensitive? I like my life, I like what I’m doing and I’m happy for you. I want to help you, if you want me to.” Yijeong nods eagerly. “I do. I want your help.” He turns the video back on and hands his phone to Kyungil. He watches it closely, rewinding a few times to take a closer look.

“Well, the moves looks good... but the expressions could use some work. It’s a really... different concept for you.” Yijeong nods. “It’s a cutesy love song and I suck at it.” Kyungil chuckles. “You just need some practice.” Yijeong gets up from the couch and demonstrates parts of the choreo as Kyungil points out the weak spots. “You’re supposed to make your fans feel like you’re singing it to them, like you’re confessing your love to them.”

“Okay, but how do I do that? It’s not like I’m really in love with them, because I’m in love with—” he stops short and his shoulders fall as he looks away from Kyungil in embarrassment. “I mean, that’s the answer, isn’t it?” Kyungil pats the couch cushion next to him and Yijeong sits down. “What would it look like if you were saying the lyrics to me?” Yijeong blushes at the thought. “Do you really think this will help or are you just trying to embarrass me?”

“I guess you won’t know unless you try.” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “Fine. But don’t laugh.” He takes a deep breath before beginning to recite the lyrics to his new title track. It’s cheesy and innocent, and not the kind of words he would ever think of saying to Kyungil, but it doesn’t really matter because he’s not laughing at him and the look on his face tells him that this isn’t just because he wanted to help him practice.

“So?” he asks after a moment. “Was that better?” Kyungil nods gently. “I mean, that was a little intense for a cutesy pop song, but if you tone it down... I think it’ll work.” Yijeong can’t look him in the eye as he asks, “Do you really think I can make my fans feel like I’m falling for them?” Kyungil shrugs. “I don’t know about your fans, but it definitely looks like... that to me.”

“Thank you,” is all he can think to say because he feels very exposed and embarrassed about what he’s just done. “I guess if all else fails, just pretend you’re singing it to me and... it’ll work.” Yijeong’s not sure why he didn’t think of that, but he’s kind of glad to hear Kyungil suggest it anyway. “Thanks for the help.”

“Anytime. Really. Don’t worry about asking me for help, I’m not jealous of you. I see how much work it is, how you have to think about every little thing you do and how much time it takes away from your personal life. I want you to come to me, I want to help you.” Yijeong nods as Kyungil leans in and kisses him. “For now, though, can we stop talking about work?”

“Work is overrated,” Yijeong says as he leans back in to kiss Kyungil urgently, and for perhaps the first time in his life, he actually believes it.

 


End file.
